A Journey of Faith

The First Anniversary is the Toughest

2008-06-28T10:00:00.009+08:00

Tan Soo-Inn is one of the 'angels' that God had brought alongside me this February. Soo-Inn understands grief and loss as he himself had experience the loss of his first wife many years back. Apart from being a warm, sincere and 'real' pastor, Soo-Inn shares 'real' Biblical practical insights. He minces not his words. He tells it like it is and I like that.

Thank you for sharing your life.
Thank you for your valuable friendship.

Importantly too, he's an Arsenal fan! :)
__________________________________________________________

GRACE@WORK MAIL 26/08
[June 27th, 2008 Edition]

The First Anniversary is the Toughest

I was senior pastor of a growing church. I had just lost my wife to cancer. He was one of my church elders. And he told me "you need to get back on the horse as soon as possible." I believe he had my interests at heart. He was definitely concerned for the welfare of the church. But it was the last thing I needed to hear. His intentions may have been good. But what I heard was "don't grief. Return to normalcy as soon as possible." As H. Norman Wright says: "... people lack an understanding of the process of grief unless they have been through it."[Recovering from the Losses of Life (New York, NY: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1991), p.59.]

Bernice and I have walked the journey of major loss. We both lost our first spouses to cancer. Which is why we made sure we were with a friend when he commemorated the first anniversary of his wife's death. We were late for the commemorative dinner. We knew we would be. We were relocating to a new home that very day. All our earthly belongings were in boxes. We were desperately trying to bring order out of chaos. But we knew we had to be with him. The first anniversary can be a killer. Again Wright is helpful. Here he describes the usual journey of grief:

[The pain and grief actually intensify at three months and then gradually subside, but not in a steady fashion. They go up and down. Most people don't need a reminder of the first-year anniversary of the loss of a loved one. The intensity of grief comes rushing in with pain that rivals the initial feeling of loss. If anyone attempts to tell you that you should be "over it by now" or "feeling better" at any of these times, you may become quite upset with them. (Recovering from the Losses of Life , 59)]

We understand that everyone's journey is unique. Not everyone follows the "usual" pattern. But clearly my friend was going through a hard time. From his blog:

[It's been a really tough week for me. Emotionally the roller coaster ride has begun again. Dates and memories are intriguing. The brain is fascinating. How the linkage is made between a date and the trigger of memories is mind boggling. That's exactly what I've been going through...It's come to a point where I wished I didn't have to feel anymore. Wished that I could press the 'fast forward' button or the 'erase' button perhaps.]

What do we do with someone going through such anguish? I get asked this very often. What do we do? What do we say? My usual answer is that there is nothing we can do or say. What we need to do is to give people permission to grief. Some things are beyond words. Sometimes all that we can do is to mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15b). Grief is a valley that has to be traversed. There are no short cuts. You cannot wish it away. But you can walk through it to the other side.

Mourning with those who mourn is hard work. Mourning is not a feel good experience. Mourning reminds us of our own losses. And our mortality. And our helplessness. Which is why the uninitiated want the grieving person to get over it as soon as possible. It is as much an expression of their own sense of discomfort as it is an expression of concern for the person who is grieving. It also explains why some stay away completely.

"Mourning with those who mourn" ought to be a compulsory subject in Life 101. There are few things in life more basic. In the end we all go through major losses. Perhaps the world shies away from the subject because it has no answer to the question of death. It has no hope. But as Paul reminds us, as followers of Jesus Christ, we do grieve, but we do not grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

Jesus Himself shows us how to mourn with those who mourn.

[When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept. (John 11: 33-35 TNIV)]

Jesus mourned with those who mourned. But Jesus goes on to do something we can't do. He goes on to die on the Cross so that death would no longer be the last word. He then makes us this offer: "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even though they die; ... (John 11:25 TNIV)." We know it is not an empty offer because Jesus rose again from the dead. We commemorate this every Easter. We commemorate this every Sunday.

In many ways, it was appropriate that my friend commemorated the first anniversary of his wife's death with a dinner. It brought back memories of the meals they used to share. (The menu consisted of some of her favourite dishes.) It reminded me also of the meal that Jesus shared with his disciples after He rose from the dead (John 21:1-14). And the dinner looked forward to that eschatological banquet in the new heavens and the new earth, where we will once again be reunited with Jesus, and with all who belong to Him.

And so I mourn with my friend, but I mourn with hope. I know, and he knows, that his wife is with Jesus. I also know that things should get better now that he has survived one year and reached the first anniversary. Somehow, after going through one cycle of Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter, we come to a point where Spring can be experienced again with new hope. So hang on my friend. No, the road will not be easy, but it should begin to get better from here on in.

By Tan Soo Inn
www.graceatwork.org

A Year Gone By...

2008-06-25T11:45:00.002+08:00

Feelingless...

2008-06-22T23:56:00.004+08:00

Thank you my friends and silent supporters for your sojurn and support for me in so many ways.

I'm sorry that the blog is so much about my lament these days, it's a wonder it still gets any hits.

Its been a really tough week for me. Emotionally the roller coaster ride has begun again. Dates and memories are intriguing. The brain is fascinating. How the linkage is made between a date and the trigger of memories is mind boggling. That's exactly what I've been going through.

Today was tough in service.
Listened to a testimony of a sister who's husband passed away of cancer recently. Was truly poignant. And my life flashed before me once again. At the end of the service, Pastor Wendy asked to pray for me and a few other brothers joined in too. Thanks CS and David.

Preparing for the 'Memorial Dinner' was also difficult.
Having to face the photos and managing the stuff for it.

But I know it's something I had to do (the dinner), if not for me - only because Jo had wanted to do this a few years back. We never go to do this somehow because she was concerned about the finances even though it was fine.

It's come to a point where I wished I didn't have to feel anymore.
Wished that I could press the 'fast forward' button or the 'erase' button perhaps.

And so I continue to journey this path...
The path less travelled, yet knowing that I never travel alone.

Again, thank you for listening and reading my ramblings wherever you may be.

Do know this.

There is always Hope in our Lord Jesus Christ and we certainly can do all things through Him who gives us strength (Phil 4:13)...even in such a circumstance as this.

Tears In Heaven (Our Daily Bread)

2008-06-21T03:15:00.001+08:00

July 31, 2006
Tears In Heaven
READ: Revelation 21:1-8

God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. —Revelation 21:4

In 1991, famed British guitarist Eric Clapton was stricken with grief when his 4-year-old son Conor died as a result of a fall from an apartment window. Looking for an outlet for his grief, Clapton penned perhaps his most poignant ballad: “Tears In Heaven.” It seems that every note weighs heavy with the sense of pain and loss that can be understood only by a parent who has lost a child.

Surprisingly, however, Clapton said in a television interview years later, “In a sense, it wasn’t even a sad song. It was a song of belief. When it [says that] there will be no more tears in heaven, I think it’s a song of optimism—of reunion.”

The thought of a heavenly reunion is powerful indeed. For everyone who has trusted Jesus Christ for salvation, there is the hope that we will be reunited forever in a place where “God will wipe away every tear from [our] eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying” (Revelation 21:4). And, most of all, it is a place where we will “see His face” and forever be with Christ Himself (22:4).

In our times of loss and grief, of tears and sorrow, isn’t it comforting to know that Christ has purchased for us a heavenly home where there will be no more tears! — Bill Crowder

What wonders await us in yonder fair land?
The face of our Savior, the touch of His hand,
No tears and no crying, no sighs or despair,
For Jesus is waiting to welcome us there. —Kerr

When God wipes our tears, sorrow will give way to eternal song.

About Molly

2008-06-17T00:07:00.004+08:00

I stumbled upon Molly's blog this evening as I was doing a search to see which sites have listed ours on theirs. Interestingly and poignantly I began reading what seemed like a mirror image of our blog. I couldn't help my tears once again...

Molly was a young 33 year old...(God Bless her) who passed away on May 29th.
She had been suffering from ovarian cancer for nearly 2.5 years and the cancer subsequently spread to her liver. She had near similar symptoms like Jo's because of the spread to the liver - bloatedness, water retention and all. Even the chemo drugs were the same... ah, you can just smell it. She and her husband (Josef) got married in 2007 in the midst of her chemo treatments. What divine love that comes only from the Father.

The greatest news of all, is that she's a Christian and she had fought the good fight. I and many others will never understand God's will/plan/reason in this lifetime except that by Faith and experience - He has an amazing plan ahead to come.

Women seem to have an incredible threshold for pain and suffering.
Reading Molly's blog along with the memories of Jo, I guess it's really the strength of God within them.

"Molly, Jo loves food too and I'm sure you both along with many others before you will have that great "feast" in Heaven."

Josef, you are an inspiration, encouragement and a pillar of strength.

May the Lord continue to watch over, protect, calm you and give you Peace that surpasses all understanding.

I Fix My Eyes On You

2008-06-09T23:51:00.003+08:00

Another one of my favs.
A song that lifts me up each time the grey clouds come.

I fix my eyes on You
The author of my faith
Casting aside
Every sin and every weight
I fix my eyes on You
I lay my burdens down
Letting the cares
Of this world now fade away

One thing I ask
This one thing I seek
That I may dwell in Your house
O Lord my King
All the days of my life
I want to gaze upon Your beauty
And seek You in this holy place

All the days of my life
I want to gaze upon Your beauty
And seek You in this holy place

Tommy Walker and Bob Wilson
© 2000 Integrity's Praise! Music

Silence

2008-06-06T23:21:00.010+08:00

The silence at night is deafening.
Seems sometimes that the walls do talk back.

Her clothes just lie there.
Once filled with life.
Now neatly folded it lies.
Still. Lifeless.

Still, I keep to my side of the bed,
reaching out to you in the midst of nite.
But you're not there.

Its confusing.

But you were just there!

The fridge and kitchen.

Empty it remains too.

What use is it for me?

It was your sanctuary for food.

Your Lemon Drizzle and Tiramisu, do I miss...

But it is you, that I miss.

Humanly indescribable, such pain.

Oh, if only I could be void of emotion...

"Grief is not a problem to be cured, its a statement. A statement that you love somebody." Barbara Baumgardner in "A Passage Through Grief"

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy"

Psalms 126:5

That Time Of Year Again

2008-05-19T23:17:00.006+08:00

I can't seem to understand how time moves really, you don't see it but you feel it. You can't put a hold on it and you can't stop it yet everyone at one point or another has gone thru the passage of wanting to 'turn' back the clock.

It's almost a year now.
It's still surreal.
But my life has moved on, I guess.
For the most part, I've been running, cycling and playing football.

The toughest part is that the months of April to June last year were
the most trying times of my life. If you refer back to my postings during this
period last year, it was just the "valley of the shadow of death" - nothing describes it better than Psalms 23.

Every particular day and week in May has memories of Jo.

The mind has an uncanny way of storing mental data and replaying it at the most appropriate, or rather strange occasions.

In the course of this half year, God has often sent 'angels' to walk beside me when I've least expected it.

It is out of the crucible of suffering whereby great lessons have been taught, and the lesson for me is that the Grace of God is sufficient for me. God's Grace is the one single factor that keeps me going. That keeps me realising He works in our daily affairs. That He is a Real God.

I'll Move On

2008-04-08T15:09:00.000+08:00

Was at a friend's place recently for dinner and was introduced to this album sung by local sweet (just see the cover :) crooner - Olivia Ong.

A wonderful album. Instantly loved it. I've always loved Jazz. Olivia brings a new style and flavour to her renditions. Along with her, my other all time favs are Steve Tyrell, Harry Connick Jr., Diana Krall and Lisa Ono.

"I'll Move On" in particular was so relevant. The lyrics spoke straight to my heart and I've decided to shared it with all of you. Try to get the album if you can.

I'll Move On

This road that I'm taking twists and turns
My life my chance turning dreams into reality.
Down this path faced with so many things
Sometimes I feel like giving up and turn away

Can't seem to go on
And I've been thru' this before
Now where am I?
Where do I stand?
A little lost here.
But I'll remember.
All those times you've bought me thru'.
I'd be a fool to give up cos' the goal is near

I'll move on I'll go on.
Lord I will take your hand.
And you will guide me along.
Survive thru' this storm.
So I say, come what may.
I'll hold on to my hope.
Yes, I will walk down this road.
And my passion drive will lead me on

Here I am Once again caught in the rain.
Looking back I've come so far And I want to carry on
Take a step at time
It's alright.
Even thru' this rain, I want to smile again

Don't hold back now.
And i've been thru' this before.
Now where am I?
Where do I stand?
A little lost here.
But I'll remember.
All those times you've bought me thru'.
I can feel the sun shining down on me

Here I am, Here I am.
Lord I will take your hand.
And you will guide me along.
Survive thru' this storm.
So I say, come what may.
I'll hold on to my hope.
Yes, I will walk down this road.
And my passion drive will lead me on.

"You Are Faithful"

2008-03-20T11:49:00.005+08:00

A long long time ago today,
A man was betrayed and rejected by the ones He loved.
That man was beaten, flogged, mocked and spat upon.

He was given a crown of thorns.
He was nailed to the Cross.
He suffered and died for You and Me.
That man is Jesus - our Saviour.

Let's remember this most important event in history.
Following is a wonderful song sung in service this evening that so aptly speaks of God's faithfulness...

You Are Faithful (Nan & Dennis Allen)

"The harder I fall, the greater Your mercy.
The farther I run, the longer Your reach.
The darker my way, the brighter Your face shines on me.

The deeper my pain, the greater Your healing.
The stronger my will, the sweeter Your love.
The smaller my prayer, the harder You listen to me.

The longer I stay, the better I know You.
The more that I know, the clearer I see.
Lord You are all, You're all that I ever need.

For your arm is long, Your love is deep.
Your watchful eye never sleeps.
When all others reject me, You never leave me alone.

A Father can never deny His own. You are faithful.
You are faithful.
For You are faithful.

Ashley - The Little Girl Who Loved

2008-02-29T23:22:00.002+08:00

And so the story continues... Willin had wrapped the book in a nice Christmas themed wrapper.

Little did I know that what lay beneath its pages would be so heart warming and sad yet so reminiscent of Jo.

You see the book was written by Ms Heng San San, mother of Ashley who had since passed away. Ashley was a bubbly girl, so full of life and energy. She enjoyed the stuff that little kids liked - swimming, running, dancing, skipping... But most of all, she enjoyed FOOD. She liked trying new foods and baking some of them, with mum's help of course.

You can read the article in the link above or here in Asiaone

Went I reached home and read thru the book,
I was tearing uncontrollably.

My heart was broken because of the loss I had read...and obviously because it was a near mirror reflection of Jo. One was 7, the other 37. Both suffered a great deal and yet rose thru the ordeal because of their deep rooted faith in our Heavenly Father.

She too loved to eat and bake. I still remember the Yellow Kitchen-Aid mixer I'd gotten for her in the early days. She was awestruck and so happy. Her favourite recipes were cookies, Tiramisu, cheese cake, lemon and orange drizzle pound cakes.

Joanne would in her better days (between chemo treatments) call her girlfriends over to bake or cook in our home. They would try their fav recipes from the ABC's Delicious or BBC's Good Food magazines.

Jo loved food and she loved to try new restaurants.

I leave you with the backcover write up of the book..

“There was once a little girl who loved everything about food.” And thus begins the charming story of Ashley, whose great love for all things associated with
food - simple or fancy - offers an amusing peek into her world of innocent
single-mindedness.

When her ability to enjoy what used to be an integral source of nourishment, comfort and indulgence was gradually diminished, Ashley showed that her irrepressible spirit in the face of a debilitating illness was rooted in an understanding of an even greater love: God’s love for her. Her unequivocal belief in a loving God makes for a tender story that is tinged with longing as well as unparalleled hope.

This poignant story of a little girl who loved food and foremost, God, will appeal to readers of all ages as it celebrates what it means to rise above our situations with courage and extraordinary grace.

To buy the book Ashley, priced at $25,email inquiries to: bookashley@gmail.com

Proceeds go to the Philippines to fund education programmes for children in poverty.

Dining with Willin @ Relish

2008-01-08T17:00:00.000+08:00

Willin (Chef and owner of Wild Rocket) got in touch with me in December.
He mentioned that he had set up a new dining joint at Cluny Court called "Relish" and wanted to lunch with me there.

I was initially surprised and unsure to meet up or not... the last time we met was at Wild Rocket in much happier times (with Jo of course).

I thot about it and since it was at Cluny, it was ok.

Location was interesting since it was once again off the beaten track. (If you know where the French Embassy and Serene Centre is, you're on the right track) The restaurant was decked simply in white. Clean facades. Nothing elaborate. Friendly staff.

A gourmet burger joint! Thats what it was - my fav.

The burger shot doesn't do real justice, please follow the link for a real good shot. I had the Grilled Beef Burger with Black Pepper Sauce ($18) and it came topped with a sunny side up. The burger was done very nicely at medium rare with juices oozing and pepper well laden within. It can get a little spicy for you non-spicy eaters. Interesting combo were the Belgian beers that were paired with each item on the menu, they complemented the meals really well. Come to think of it, I can't even recall what Willin had?

Apart from catching up, Will actually had a belated Christmas gift prepared. The gift was simple...yet sad, heartwarming and all so God-inspiring.

It was a book..

about Ashley.

Read on...

My Journey Through Grief

2008-01-01T12:58:00.000+08:00

6 months gone by...
6 agonising months.
A year I'd like to forget.

Nevertheless thank you for your calls, prayers and words of encouragements.

That's just the reality of death and the aftermath of it - grieving. Death and grieving is a part of life, another phase in our very temporal existence on earth.
Joy and celebrations will return, but not right now for me.

I can't change the facts.

Some people handle grief by talking while others want to be alone and quiet.
Some grow cold and callous.
Some weep and stare into blue yonder.
Some establish memorials while others stash away anything and everything that reminds them of their loved one.
Some become very active, some become totally sedated.

Me?
I've been praying and talking with God.
I've been reading my way through grief.
- When Life is Changed Forever (Rick Taylor)
- Travelling Through Grief (Susan & Robert De Vries)
- When Grief Breaks Your Heart (James Moore)
- Lives on the Mend (Florence Littauer)
I've been spending time in solitude often.

The lessons:

1. Life Has Changed Forever.
When you've spend a good part of your life with someone who's meant everything to you.
It can never be the same when that person dies.
In that same respect, a part of me died when Joanne died.

Part of me and that which was 'mine' was gone...never to return in this lifetime.
I would never be the person I was before. How could I?
What was considered as "normal" no longer exists.
What will eventually occur is when a "new normal" is discovered.

Accepting and going along with the changes would not make the pain of loss go away.
Until I begin to understand the nature of these changes in my life, I cannot make the most of the life I have yet to live.

2. Mood Swings.
Sharp swings.
Anger, fear, anxiety, loneliness, guilt, regret, sadness, etc.
Swing often.
Some days I so desperately need the comfort of friends and on others,
I totally detest their presence. Sometimes I feel I'm just losing it.
I don't understand it.

3. Embrace Sorrow.
"You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" Psalms 56:8

When words fail, tears flow.
Tears have a language of their own, a tongue that needs no interpreter.
I let them flow when they are there.
I don't avoid thinking about Jo. I can't, she's always there.
I flipped through the albums. I played back the videos we took.

Take time to remember.

I've learned too that one needs to be willing to talk about their sense of loss and pain.
Verbalising it helps instead of keeping it in.

4. Hypersensitivity.
Any action, scent, sight, place or activity may trigger a memory and a flood of emotions.
This is a daily occurence I've to deal with.
It starts or ends with coming back to an empty home.
It continues with going to bed in an empty one.
I drive off to work and the music plays a familiar tune of ours...that hurts too.
We talk about food and ...
It continues into Church on Sundays or at small group when we sing her fav "songs".
There seems to be no escape.

5. Time Doesn't Heal, God Does.
It's still early days but I know I am gradually moving through the valley of the shadow...
I am beginning to see "some" light at the end of the tunnel.

6. Don't Cheer Me Up Artificially
Understandably, many people don't know what to say in times such as this.
There are no right words.
"She's in a better place now"
"Remember all things work together for good"
"She no longer has to suffer"
These are all well meaning words, but it doesn't change the fact that she is there and I am here! My life has been devastated and I'll need to pick the pieces up and move on.

It's usually better to say something like:
"I don't understand, but I love you"
"I'm here for you" or better still just give a big hug.
Be cautious not to tell your friends why they are facing the things they are facing.
If the Lord has a revelation for them, he can offer it Himself.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" Romans 12:15

"All is Well" by Cannon H. Scott Holland

2007-12-12T02:25:00.000+08:00

Death is just an open door,
I have only slipped away
into the next room

I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was,
let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
Safe and Secure,

All is well.

(Thanks Maria for sharing this with me...)

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) - Chris Tomlin

2007-11-30T00:20:00.000+08:00

"Amazing Grace," Chris Tomlin

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace
[ Lyrics provided by www.mp3lyrics.org ]

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine

The Arms That Won't Let Go (Al Denson)

2007-09-27T23:35:00.000+08:00

Don't know why it happened
It's hard to understand
You give someone your heart
And then they're gone
Searching for a reason
We must walk through this season
Well don't give up just yet
A light is shining up ahead

Chorus 1:
If you need a pillow for your sorrow
If you need a blanket for your soul
If you need a place your broken heart can be made whole
He'll be your strength to face tomorrow
And when the night seems dark and cold
Fall into the arms that won't let go
Fall in to the arms that won't let go

Don't have all the answers
Facing tragedy
It seems as though the tears will never end
But through the dark you'll see Him
The one you can believe in
He's offering you rest
And a place to lay your head

Chorus 2:
I'll be the pillow for your sorrow
I'll be the blanket for your soul
I'll be the place your broken heart can be made whole
I'll be your strength to face tomorrow
And when the night seems dark and cold
Fall into the arms that won't let go
Fall into the arms that won't let go
You can rest here in my arms, I won't let go

(C)2001 Al Denson Music.

Happy Birthday Jo...

2007-09-22T19:34:00.000+08:00

"My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long,"Where is your God?" Psalms 42:3

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms" Deuteronomy 33:27

Its been difficult, very difficult.

Today she would have been 37.

I would have to once again surprise her with a special place to dine at. Usually it would have been at the Top of the M @ the Mandarin Hotel.

Our last birthday celebration was at the Ritz.
She always loved the Ritz. It's meant alot to us. We got married there on 11th November 2000, yeah a real interesting number 11/11/00. We took a simple 2 day 1 nite package for a Standard room and got a nice upgrade to a Club Level suite last year. Really nice.

She enjoys sitting at the Club Level munching on the different "presentations" that was served every 3-4 hours. Oh she could sit there the whole day.

And we did just that.
Enjoying the simple pleasures in life...great company, good food and a nice book to read. There was peaceful silence between us. At that time her appetite was gradually decreasing, that's why the bite size presentations was ideal for her.

Jo has always been to me - my epitome of "simplicity".
She loved food and that was very much it. She didn't need fancy shoes or clothes. She had a very big and generous heart too, giving of whatever she could to the Cancer Society and other charitable organisations.

(Ah its tough writing these, that's why I hate blogging now...the tears just don't stop..)

One thing for sure, her celebrations are on an even grander scale...and its a daily affair! Amen.

From behalf of us all my dearest, we love you and wish you a Happy Birthday...from our hearts.

Shattered (from Strength for the Journey)

2007-08-02T17:34:00.000+08:00

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

If you had a chance to meet her, you would agree that the name we have affectionately given her really fits. She has a fantastic command of the world around her and a charming personality that makes you want to give her what she wants. And, of course, since “Cate the Great” is one of our grandchildren, my wife Martie and I delight in doing just that. After all, it’s a grandparents’ prerogative!

Recently Martie hosted four of our granddaughters for a special weekend tea party. Fancy invitations were sent, lacy décor was purchased, and I was banned from the proceedings. Cate the Great and her mother carefully chose an elegant wardrobe for the occasion, Cate’s favorite “princess” costume.

Cate came all the way from her home in Michigan with great anticipation of a regal entrance as “princess of the day” into the cultured society of her fellow cousins. It was to be her finest moment. Until we discovered that the dress had been left behind at her parents. Disaster! Cate’s world, as she knew it, was shattered. All her hopes, dreams, and aspirations to grandeur were left behind with the princess dress. She didn’t feel like Cate the Great anymore.

Martie could have launched into a timely exposition of how, in the bigger picture of real life, it was not all that big of a deal and that Cate should stop crying and realize that she would get over it and someday laugh at this little wrinkle in her world. Instead, Martie quickly proceeded to the nearest specialty store with crying Cate in tow to find another princess costume. Martie not only rescued the tea party, but helped rebuild Cate’s shattered little world.

We shouldn’t be surprised when God does the same thing for us. He “is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). In His grace, He comes alongside whenever your world becomes shattered—whether it’s shattered by your own fears and anxieties, or by disappointing events beyond your control. He could, of course, lecture you about the bigger picture of eternity and tell you to buck up and move on, but God compassionately comes alongside, allows you free access to His throne room in prayer, and listens to every one of your anxious thoughts (Philippians 4:6-8). Being the perfect Father, He never spoils or pampers, but lovingly offers every good and perfect gift (James 1:17). He is there, right now, waiting to rebuild and restore your broken world.

Your Journey . . .

Think of a time when you felt like your world was shattered. Did a friend or family member come alongside to help? Did you look to God for hope and help in the situation? Looking back on it, how is your perspective different now than it was then?

Is your life is shattered now? David faced great seasons of devastating disappointments and consistently resolved them with hope in God’s merciful and gracious willingness to be there for Him in times of crisis. Thoughtfully read Psalms 13, 27, 28, and 42, and take them all personally!

Do you know someone who is currently experiencing a shattered situation? What can you do to help restore their shattered world today?

Put this verse in your head and heart for the next time your life is shattered. “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation” (Psalm 13:5).

Surreal

2007-07-25T01:11:00.000+08:00

Just like that
A month gone by
I still smell you
I still feel you

It's surreal
Surreal to think that
All this work and activity going on
Doesn't seem to make any bloody sense at all

Nothing at all

Living?
I merely exist
My battery keeps running
And I keep doing what I do
Why?

Dreamlike

Home?
No longer.
Just an apartment.

Wake up to an empty house
Arrive home to an empty house

Just don't make no sense no more
Just like a butterfly fleeting
30 days of agony
All seemingly fine

Like a dead cactus
You can't tell if its dead
Till you drop it

90 Minutes In Heaven

2007-07-19T11:29:00.001+08:00

Pastor Wendy Watson gave me this book a few weeks back.

If there's any book you should read, it's this!

It's been a great source of inspiration, assurance, comfort and encouragement to me.

You know even as a Christian we sometimes wonder what Heaven is like. And for those in bereavement like me, we desperately long to seek some affirmation/confirmation of where our loved one has gone too...we need so much to hear the reality of Heaven. Since our feet is always firmly planted on earth, the image of and idea of Heaven may seem distant at times.

This book has changed all that.

It's made coping much better.

It's put a smile on my face.

It's shown me what a glimpse of heaven is like... amazing as Don described.

Here's a brief excerpt about his experience and the book:

In 1989, Don was on his way back from a church conference when an 18-wheeler truck struck his Ford Escort head on. He was killed instantly - pronounced dead by four sets of EMTs (Paramedics)

Shortly after the accident, a pastor from the same conference arrived on the scene and began praying for "the man in the red car." God worked a miracle and sent Don back to his now-broken body. To date, 34 surgical procedures have taken place. He walks only as a result of miraculous and in some cases medically unexplainable circumstances. During the time he was dead, Piper was granted the extreme privilege of glimpsing Heaven itself.

Don's experience in Heaven gives him a unique insight into eternity and a strong desire to tell others about Christ. His difficult recovery allows him to identify with the heartbroken and crestfallen, ministering to them with the understanding of someone who's been there. His goal is to help bitter people become better, to turn disappointments into divine appointments. He calls it "finding a new normal" and he's made it his life's work.

And I'd like to imagine as mentioned (in the book) that when I get to Heaven, there would be a welcoming committee awaiting, and as Pastor Wendy said - Jo would obviously be the 1st to run and welcome me...what a beautiful thought and scene...astounding.

I can't wait to get there...in His time.

Note: the book is difficult to find, you can check with SKS Books or contact me.

He Makes Me Lie Down (6 July 2007 - Strength for the Journey)

2007-07-11T13:54:00.000+08:00

Reading this a few nights ago was comforting. After the previous weeks' hectic activities organised by my ever loving and caring pals and family, I realised I needed time to just be alone with God and be by myself. To rediscover myself, and seek His direction for the future...

“He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.” Psalm 23:2-3

A pastor friend of mine was telling another pastor about the long-awaited vacation that he and his family were preparing for. The other pastor immediately replied, “Vacation? I never take a vacation. Satan doesn’t take a vacation and neither do I!”

To which my friend wisely retorted, “Well, that’s all right. Satan has never been my example!”

In the summer when school is out and the sun is shining, our thoughts turn toward vacation. And that’s a good thing! We were wired with an innate need to take a break from our usual pace and spend some time being refreshed and recharged.

But for some reason, we sometimes seem apologetic about taking time off or needing a change of pace for a little while. It may be that our internal understanding of a real “work ethic” demands that we feel a little guilty about time that we’re not being “productive” or “efficient.” Or maybe we are concerned that those projects and clients we have been carefully nurturing along will fall to pieces if we put them on hold for a week or two. Maybe we are distorting Paul’s words to the Ephesians, resisting vacations and working nonstop so that we can “make the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:16).

If that’s your brain strain, then let me put a biblical stop to that train of thought and provide you with three solid, straight-from-Scripture reasons to enjoy a guilt-free, refreshing time away from your usual pace of work this summer.

Reason number one: it’s commanded in Scripture. The fourth commandment tells us to “remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy” (Exodus 20:8). That means more than just going to church on Sunday. The principle of “Sabbath”—rooted in God’s example through creation of resting on the seventh day—intertwines with the Old Testament law code.

There were not only to be days of Sabbath, but week-long festivals scattered throughout the Jewish seasons. In fact, there were Sabbath years in their calendar! God’s loving command was intended to pull His people aside for rest so they would be reminded that all good things come from Him . . . not from their frantic efforts at work.

A second reason why it’s a good idea to take a well-deserved break is that your body and spirit need it. I love the picture that David paints for us in Psalm 23 of a shepherd leading his sheep to a place of refreshment and rest. We are finite, fallible, limited creatures, and without rest we’ll find that burnout and exhaustion eventually take their toll. Our ability to be gracious, loving, and patient will be a casualty of our compulsive work habits. Fatigue and weariness will leave us vulnerable to temptation. And most disturbingly, our intimacy with the Lord will suffer as our time with Him becomes perfunctory at best, and nonexistent at worst. All that can be avoided if we allow our Good Shepherd to restore our soul with times of rest in green pastures and with seasons of refreshment beside quiet waters.

And just in case we need another reason to put our feet up and relax now and then, remember that Jesus did it! He often withdrew from the crush of the crowds to seasons of prayer and rest. During a storm on the Sea of Galilee He was sound asleep in the boat (Mark 4:38). And we are told that while on a trip from Judea to Galilee “Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well” (John 4:6). There were always more people to heal, more messages to preach, and more places to go, but Jesus displayed the importance of rest.

So, whether it’s a weekend of camping, a day at the pool, or a week away with close friends or family members, turn off the cell-phone, close the computer, and get away! There’s no good reason not to!

YOUR JOURNEY…

How has God used previous vacations and times away to refresh and restore your soul?
Do you find it hard to schedule time away, and do you feel guilty or fearful on vacations? Take some time to think through why that might be.
What plans are in place for you to follow through on God’s instruction about rest and refreshment? It may not be this summer, or even during the fall, but what about within the next six months?

The Week of 25/6

2007-07-11T00:53:00.000+08:00

I don't even know where or how to begin, but here goes...

The week of 25/6 was undoubtedly crazy.
I wasn't really exhausted to think I'd about 8 hrs sleep in 4 days.
I stayed at brother's place since my KL relatives were down. It was just like old times when we'd stay up late and chat thru the nite over wine or coffee. Dad bunked over too. It's amazing all of us could squeeze into his comfy home.

Thursday (28/6) was the funeral and we had a nice thanksgiving dinner at Zui Fairprice @ Upper Thomson Road. For those of you who wasn't there. Click the link for the review by ST Foodies Club.

Friday (29/6) - Sea burial @ MSP.
We met Ricky (Hosanna Bereavement) at Marina South Pier (MSP), took an orange boat some 15 mins out to sea with Rev Alvin conducting the service. We had a nice bunch of friends with us that day. Thanks for your presence folks! We finished off again with another sumptuous meal @ my dad's and dad-in-law's fav restaurant - Spring Court Restaurant in Chinatown. Great for it's cantonese cuisine and Peking Duck!

In the evening, I hung out with my good buddies - Sam & Alex at a Pub just above the Changi Point Ferry Terminal (CPFT), I think it's called the Terminal or something. Really nice ambience...a nice quiet laid back alfresco joint. You can even catch the planes landing at Changi.

Saturday (30/6) - Oz vs Singapore Football Game @ National Stadium
You can catch DD's write up and some really great photos in his blog. We went as a foursome (DD, AC, Colin and myself) thanks to DD's friend who provided the complimentary tickets. Thank you! We had a great time shouting our lungs out at the Singapore team... of course we had to lose 3-0 to the Aussies. But hey, they played a nicer game in the end. There were some pathetic fireworks...outside water was banned and we'd had to endure some 4 hours without it since every conceivable water joint IN the stadium had a line as long as cars returning from the Causeway after a school's hols. We ended up at Barks Cafe in Changi after the game having some drinks and snacks...I was really dog tired literally.

I must say that I've experienced an amazing sense of Peace, that which only comes from God. A peace that surpasses all human understanding...

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. Psalms 29:11

It's All About Her

2007-07-10T12:07:00.000+08:00

It's always been about her.
It's surreal to think that she was just here, and now she's gone.
I can't even begin to think about her, or I'll start to tear.

She was and will always be everything to me.
She was my hopes encompassed.
She was what love was all about.
She was my reason for being.
She was my greatest friend.
She made me who I am today.

She gave me the opportunity to love, care and serve her unconditionally.
She taught me patience when hurriedness was what I was about.
She broadened my horizon to the finer side of foods.
She displayed true simplicity for a woman of this age.
She had a smile that could warm the coldest heart.
She had inner strength so great, it was hard to imagine what she went through all these years.

Now, all is empty...
All is silent.
Seemingly cold.

Shattered.

Not a word.
Not a shadow.

Two have now become One.

Obituary

2007-07-03T09:47:00.000+08:00

For those of you who may have missed the obituary that appeared in The Straits Times, 26 June 2007. (Click on the pix for a larger view)

Joanne Has Gone To Be With The Lord Today

2007-06-25T21:02:00.000+08:00

My dear relatives, friends, ex-colleagues, prayer warriors, and loved ones of

Joanne Kwan Foong Kuem,

please note that she has gone to be with the Lord as of 6:45pm this evening.

Wake will be held at: Void Deck, Block 113 Depot Road (Opposite HP Building, Depot Road)

Nightly Services at 8:00pm
Tuesday, 26 June (English)
Wednesday, 27 June (English & Mandarin)

Cortege will leave on:
Thursday, 28 June 2007 @ 3:30pm for Mandai Crematorium Hall 2 for cremation at 4:30pm.

NO WREATHS PLEASE, ALL DONATIONS TO BE MADE TO WESLEY METHODIST CHURCH, THANK YOU.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Cancer Is So Limited...

2007-06-24T19:27:00.000+08:00

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot eat away peace,
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the Spirit,
It cannot lessen the power of the Resurrection.

- Author Unknown -

By His Strength

2007-06-24T02:36:00.000+08:00

Since Wednesday, I think I've clocked about 8 hours of sleep at most.
Thursday & Friday was really tough as she was uncomfortable all round.

I should clock more today, cos' she's a little better.

Jo's Funny Side
The funny thing about my dearest is that even in her dreams and mild hallucinations -its about food. She was forcibly angry @ 3:00am this morning when she couldn't get her Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Ice Blended Mocha! Ha ha ha. And of course being the blur guy I am, I mistook this for coffee ice cream which she wanted. I searched the Net for ice cream from the local coffee joints but didn't find any and so in frustration I drove off to get the Haagen Daz ice-cream coffee flavour. Wow, she was upset that it wasn't ice blended and then it only dawned upon me then. By the way she was rattling off from 3:00am all the way till she got it @ 8:30am...amazing!

A half hour later, she asked for Slurpee from 7-11...somehow I shouldn't have gotten it cos' it didn't do her any good...sheesh!

I'm Bilingual

She's also taken to speaking in Chinese/Mandarin on occasion and this has made our communication more interesting. I'm effectively communicating to her in both English and Chinese these days, something I've not done before. Those who know me know how great my command of the second language is. God has a great sense of humour :)

The Fridge
Always stocked with Soya Bean, Ribena, Orange Juice, Ensure (Vanilla @ Strawberry), Lemon Barley drinks all in tetrapak form. The Freezer has 3 varieties of Haagen Daz - Vanilla, Coffee, Strawberry. 3 sticks of Solero and some Japanese ice cream Jessica bought.

Today (Saturday)
It's 2:48am and I've just cleaned her tailbone wound. Again totally exhausted. It was harrowing because I had to reason with her to lie a certain way if not it would be near impossible to dress the wound. Understanding that this was difficult for her too as she was experiencing pains in different angles. Always happens during my watch. I think I shouldn't have problems putting "Male Nurse" on my CV in the future. I will probably need to get her a bed pan. Her strength is being sapped by the day...going to the loo is too stressful for her and for me.

Pastor Wendy Watson and Wai Leng.
Both of them first visited us @ Ward 48 1 week back.
And since Wednesday, they've been my other "mobile comfort team" - not only coming by to share and pray, but to provide dinner:

Wed - Don Pies x 2 (Chicken & Shepherd's Pie)
Thur - Oxtail Soup and Bread! (Home made!)
Fri - Herbal Chicken and Rice!

Am truly grateful and speechless, but as I've said before I've learned to accept help and food...especially (wink!) Just kidding. Seriously I'll call if I need anything. Am no longer shy, in fact I've become alot like Jo - I'll tell you specifically what I want and you better get it!

In Gratitude

Laureen, thanks for the gifts.

My Oz prayer team: Dora, Steve, Kin Wai and Diana, thank you all for your prayers and concerns.

A Whole New Routine

2007-06-23T00:56:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the delay, you folks probably knew it was an extremely tough week for me, but by His Grace, I've made it through in one piece.

Updates first...
Jo was resting fine from Monday to Tuesday, sleeping nearly most of the day. From Wednesday to Thursday, she was all uncomfortable and the worse part was that she began vomiting again.

Monday was really tough and I got bros from my cell group to come over to pray in the evening.

She also wanted to sleep in the living room sofa, which was quite a monumental task given the fact that she hardly has any strength. All this had to happen at 1:30am on Wednesday morning. I had to lift her up and put her down in my study chair which had wheels, then pushed her to the living room.

Since Jo doesn't have energy to lift a cup, we (Jessica and MIL) have to be constantly by her side 24x7. I've decided to keep a journal to ensure Jessica and MIL are kept informed on the past/previous days activities. The following is Thursday's account which was the toughest so far:

815am - Banana smoothie
830am - Vomited out
850am - Draining: 400ml
920am - Changed Duoderm dressing.
1020am - Vomited and brushed teeth
1130am - Nurse Tan came by to assist in realigning the cope loop extension
245pm - Vomited after Motilium
530pm - Vomited after MST (Morphine tablet)
715pm - Draining: 800ml
1000pm - Vomited after water
1030pm - Had pink ice cubes (made by Jess)
10:50pm - Toilet break
11:30pm - Vomited again. Changed top, pillows.

MIL comes in the mornings as mentioned.
Jessica comes over in the afternoon to assist MIL.
I typically will work from home mornings and leave for work/meetings in the afternoon when required.

Again, I thank God for their help since I'm at least able to catch up on sleep in the afternoon when needed.

Pastor Wendy Watson has been another God sent. I'll share more in my next entry. Okay, got to run, she's calling! :)

God Bless my friends and thank you for all the encouragement, kind words, songs and support across the globe... much more than us being a testimony, God had send you to us likewise. Amen.

Updates

2007-06-18T12:18:00.000+08:00

I must apologise to all, but all visitations will be limited for now.

At this stage, Jo
- can hardly walk or stand
- is very weak
- is extremely tired all day
- she sleeps some 22 hours a day and wakes occasionally
- is on liquid diet as she's been on the last 2 weeks

The water is still draining quite well @ 2 litres per day.
We've also got a nurse and doctor (from the Assissi Home) that makes visitations at least once a week to oversee Jo's condition.

Jessica and MIL are here the next 2 days to help me with my busy schedule for this short time being. I just want to get through this week...

Please pray for His Will to be done in her life. Please pray for Jessica, FIL and MIL cos' I know it's extremely tough with them as it is for me.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Do I Trust You (Twila Paris)

2007-06-18T01:27:00.000+08:00

This "oldie" is truly one of my favourites. Heard it back in my teenage days and it's never left my music bank since. So simple, so real. Twila's music comes straight from her heart from God.

Do I Trust You is our song, and I especially like the verse that says"I will trust you Lord, when I don't know why"

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in Your will, what's in Your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,
But I can never forget it for long.
Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.
I will trust You.

V&P

2007-06-17T22:06:00.000+08:00

We first met P, a malay mother of four 3 weeks back when Jo was admitted into Ward 48. She was in the bed directly opposite Jo's. It was her first time doing chemo. She had lymphoma. As with all first timers, their entire families were present.

Just last Monday she was warded back into the same room as us.
She had come down with fever from her chemo treatment.
Her hair was dropping a fair bit too.

She kept asking what was with Jo and didn't understand when I said that she was off chemo indefinitely. Not that she had recovered, but simply because she could no longer handle it. Anyway, I kept a cool and cheerful face each time I spoke with her...to the extend I felt like a doctor, not wanting to give away the slightest hint of bad news. Tough.

She was always cheerful. This time, as the fatigue of chemo treatment weakened her...she was resting quite often. Her children were all grown up.

V
The day of our discharge was the first time I spoke with V.
She looked young. Youthful in fact.
I asked God why there were so many young people stricken with cancer recently.
I just can't understand it.

I had a good long chat with her that morning.
She'd just been diagnosed with lymphoma like P and was warded to begin chemo treatment.

So just when you think Jo and my life is tough,
V's just blew me away.
She's got a 10 month old and a wonderful family.

I can only find pure joy in the fact that she and her husband are believers.
Amen to that.

V if you're reading this, I know how very difficult it is for you and your family.
You need to remain ever strong and faithful.
Our God is always with us, that you must never forget.
He will see you through this.

Home at Last!

2007-06-16T16:36:00.000+08:00

Jo woke up early this morning around 2:30am and told me she'd been having very strange dreams. Each time she would impersonate some character like an Indian Raja or Italian person etc. I can only assume that the lack of food intake and medication are beginning to cause her mind to play tricks with itself.

I prayed and ask Jesus to cast out all demonic influence in the ward and/or around her. We asked for protection over her thought life and her mind. We surrendered and submitted all these to God. We recited Psalms 23 over and over and reflected on Romans 8:38-39 on Christ's immense love for us.

Then she slept so soundly till Dr Leong woke us up @ 7:35am.

The cope loop still leaks after the stitching, though not very much. The nurse has attached a small bag to this area.

We hired an ambulance @ 1pm, after receiving tons of medication from the pharmacist, we checked out of the hospital...saying our farewells to our fellow patient friends and nurses we'd made over the last 1 week.

Back Home
We got her comfortably settled into bed.
Jo has certainly shed alot of weight.

For lunch she wanted "ice cocktail jelly", and so off I went to Henderson Crescent to get this from her fav stall.

For dinner, we made her a strawberry, banana+ vanilla Ensure smoothie. That's all she can take in these days. Solid foods are still out of the question.

Washed her up, took her medications and then read her a few passages from Streams in the Desert followed by reciting through our fav verses. She was soon off to sleep.

May our good Lord shower His mercy and love upon her daily.

Jesus Will Still Be There (Point Of Grace)

2007-06-16T08:48:00.001+08:00

Things change
Plans fail
You look for love on a grander scale
Storms rise
Hopes fade
And you place your bets on another day
When the going gets tough
When the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough...

Jesus will still be there
His love will never change
Sure as a steady rain
Jesus will still be there
When no one else is true
He'll still be loving you
When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

Time flies
Hearts turn
A little bit wiser form lessons learned
But sometimes
Weakness wins
And you lose your foothold once again
When the going gets tough
When the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough...

When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

Finally...We're Goin Home...

2007-06-15T23:04:00.000+08:00

I think we're going home, I pray we should be home the same time tomorrow when I blog.

The cope loop tube was leaking at the point of entry at the abdomen for the last 3 days and doc had suggested to make an additional stitch to tighten up the hole. They did this this morning and seems like it's fine so far, no leakage.

I was tasked to learn the dressing of the cope loop. This had to be done at least twice a week to ensure it was sterile to prevent any possible infection. The handwashing part of the preparation was enough to drive me nuts. There was a 7 step handwashing procedure which had to be followed religiously...and coming from a human bug like me...you can be certain it was just so so hard for me to follow. But I did!

Then you've got all this dressing and swaps and sticky stuff which you got to be so delicate with...a real challenge for me. The last time I did first aid was in the army and I nearly put my Sergeant in a state of shock.

Jo seemed better today. MIL came at 8.45am to relieve me and I went home to complete some work and run errands for Jo. She had mentioned that she'd like to try the Ensure Smoothie, so I went off to buy Ensure Banana and Vanilla flavour from NUH and Del Monte bananas from the Isetan supermart. On reaching home I threw a couple of bananas in with 1 pack of Ensure (Banana flavour) along with several ice cubes into the blender. Wah la! Banana Smoothie, Ensure style in no time!

I poured the mixture into a Thermos flask and served it to her and she loved it! I was really overjoyed that she could take this in. For starters, this concoction had at least 250 kcal per packet not including the fresh bananas. It was real good stuff for her. Also, she'd been retching the last 3 days for no real rhyme or reason. It's so mental that at the slightest mentioning of some sort of food, she would go into this retching mode.

She had a little corn soup from MOS this evening and further sips of the Banana Smoothie.

We've booked an ambulance to bring her home tomorrow at noon. Hopefully we'll be able to check out earlier.

Tomorrow is day 11, a new record.

7Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. 8You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near. 9Don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door! 10Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. 11As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. James 5:7-11

Not Out Yet

2007-06-13T08:28:00.000+08:00

Jo was having aches all over last night.
Stomach still a little bloated mainly from air within.
Water is flowing well @ max of 2 liters per day.
This is done at gradual intervals throughout the day.

Doc just did her rounds.
Jo will not be out yet until this is resolved.
Doc said that they'll try to get out air and any stools stuck in her tummy.

I've no problem with this...though God has given us what a wonderful view from the Ward, I still miss home.

As for Jo, guess she was a little upset that it's not over yet.

Praise to God for a Living Hope - 1 Peter 1:3-9 (New International Version)
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

12 June 2007

2007-06-12T17:14:00.000+08:00

Today marks our 1 week in SGH.
A couple more days and we would've set a new record for longest stay in any hospital thus far.

Jo rested well last evening.
No major situations.
Was very glad.
Gave thanks as always.

I was only anticipating that we could have been discharged today, but she had to stay for further observation. Just to be absolutely certain that she would be fine when discharged.

Water was released this morning measuring some 500ml.

Jo however still felt a little nauseous (thanks to DD and Jotan for highlighting the error), thank God she didn't vomit or retch so far. Appetite was a little better. Last night she had some duck noodles (perhaps the only edible item at the SGH kopitiam) and cheng thng plus etc etc. Today she had a little bee hoon and fav Solero lime ice cream.

May brought tomato soup and garlic bread. Kett as usual, brought sandwiches and bread from the Provence Bakery & Cafe at Holland Village along with chicken rice for me. Really nice stuff at Provence if you've not tried it.

Jo's stomach is still a little bloated, mainly from gas within. Dr Leong had suggested some sort of enema to release the air if it's still bothering her.

Well, a quiet day so far. Managed to steal an hour and half away to the office to complete some paperwork. Am really thankful for such a working environment along with an understanding boss and all.

3 patients were discharged when I returned to the ward. Only Jo and MIL was present. It seemed really strange to see a room devoid of patients except one. And just as soon as I'd said this, the beds were once again filled. Cancer is a no. 1 medical problem and I hope all of us will remain diligent in maintaining regular health checks for this.

The poor malay lady opposite Jo was in tears this afternoon after returning from an operation. It seemed that the doc had made an error (?) and needed to redo the procedure again. Just tried my best in consoling her and her husband with my limited but legible Malayu.

May God watch over all who are suffering and grant them peace.

Cope Loop - What A Success!

2007-06-11T21:04:00.000+08:00

How should I start today's entry...?

It started off quite well. Got woken up by Dr Leong's visit at 815am. She said that the procedure would take place sometime later today and that it would be quick (between 30-45 mins) and pain free.

Jo was still mainly tired the rest of the day. The very painful thing however was that in the process running up to the procedure at 445pm, she was pricked over and over again, and that was just excruciating.

As you know Jo simply has insufficient good veins for any sort of infusion. The last 3 years of chemo have battered them near dry. So, the nurse said that they needed to do 2 things: a) Place a plug for the cope loop procedure b) take blood samples for a blood test.

When I heard this, I was about to do a double back somersault flip. But it was something that needed to be done...unfortunately. Her left arm is already bloated due to water retention and now her right was gradually showing signs of this too. The nurse managed to put the plug into her right hand but was unable to draw blood. The next best thing she could do was to draw blood from her legs! At first she tried her right, but since it was bloated too it was near impossible. Then she succeeded in the left. Arrghh, this was so painful for Jo that tears just started to roll...

The Procedure
She was wheeled into the op room at 445pm, and it lasted barely 30 mins. CS was with me throughout and it was great to have had his company. As I've said many times, God sents His people at the most opportune time.

She looked so much better when she was wheeled out and the best part of it was that she was smiling! My heart was just lifted. A thousand burdens released.

So she now has on one end - a tube attached to the right side of her abdomen and on the other - a plastic see through water bag with measurements up to 1800 ml.

I want to thank Pastor Wendy Watson and her friend for visiting and buying me Hock Lam beef ball noodles (the first ever from a Pastor :) Also Pastor Alvin for popping by during lunch. You folks are the best.

Angeline, CS, SC, DD & SL - thank you for just being there. Charmaine & Tim, thank you for your kind gesture, we will keep your families in our prayers.

After this, the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision:
"Do not be afraid, Abram.
I am your shield,
your very great reward." Genesis 15:1

At The Cross (Hillsong Live - Mighty to Save Album)

2007-06-10T10:54:00.000+08:00

Mighty Morphine

2007-06-10T10:33:00.000+08:00

Jo was in a lot of discomfort most of yesterday afternoon. The bloatedness was getting unbearable so much so that she was in a semi-fit - wriggling and moaning. Thank God this was resolved when the morphine level was upped one notch.

She is on Morphine infusion @ 0.5ml per hour. It was at 0.3ml originally.

It was helpful in relieving the pain in the tummy and at her bum. She's got a sore there caused by her sharp tail bone which she seats on daily.

Anyway, the good news is that she was finally able to sleep some 13 hours from 6:30pm yesterday till 7am this morning. Amen for that.

With more Morphine means she gets more drowsy and sleepy, but importantly the pain is kept at bay. They changed the drip from the left to the right arm as the veins weren't very good. In fact she now has a bloated left arm due to water retention.

Please pray that the cope loop goes well tomorrow. The bloatedness all around will be reduced, so with her left arm.

Thank you for your prayers.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Every Heart That Is Breaking (Twila Paris)

2007-06-09T21:49:00.000+08:00

This song ministered to me this evening,. Just realising that we're not the only ones going thru suffering but millions over in the world are. Let us keep them all in our prayers.

For the young abandoned husband
Left alone without a reason
For the pilgrim in the city
Where there is no home

For the son without a father
For his solitary mother
I have a message

He sees you
He knows you
He loves you
He loves you

Every heart that is breaking tonight
Is the heart of a child
That He holds in His sight
And oh, how He longs
To hold in His arms
Every heart that is breaking tonight
Every heart that is breaking tonight

For the precious fallen daughter
For her devastated father
For the prodigal who's dying
In a strange new way

For the child who's always hungry
For the patriot with no country
I have a message

He sees you
He knows you
He loves you
Jesus loves you

Every heart that is breaking tonight
Is the heart of a child
That He holds in His sight
And oh, how He longs
To hold in His arms
Every heart that is breaking tonight
Every heart that is breaking tonight
Every heart that is breaking tonight

For every heart

Ward 48

2007-06-09T10:52:00.000+08:00

We've finally moved back to Ward 48 yesterday where it's "fan-con" and not air-conditioned. Thank God for that.

Ward 74
It was really impossible sleeping in Ward 74. Jo was stacked with 3 blankets and I'd been shivering trying to squeeze myself onto 2 chairs as my makeshift bed. Unfortunately our bed was next to an old lady who seemed to have a little dementia. She kept calling me "Ah Pek, Ah Pek" ("old man"?) throughout the whole day (and night!) while we were there, poor lady and poor me. I could barely catch a wink...it was rather eerie also when she did that at night. :)

Back @ Ward 48, the cheeriness of the nurses were quite evident and they instantly recognised us once again. The ward is extremely airy and her bed is right next to the window which gives us added privacy and view to a wonderful skyline at 8 floors up.

Jo had a good rest yesterday sleeping a fair bit.
She started on some corn soup and bread bits from the MOS Burger outlet along with her favourite Solero ice-cream. Doc said that ice-cream's good for her. Still not on any solids yet.

Her stomach is still bloated and her breathlessness correlates with this discomfort.
This morning she was in excruciating pain when they administered Senna. This was to aid her intestine movement but seems like it had the opposite effect. We were really glad that SGH/NCC has got Palliative Docs that make the rounds. 2 of them were present this morning to ensure proper pain management was done. Dr Kalit and his colleague explained and recommended another drug to resolve the stomach aches.

Abdominal Tap Done
Dr Tien extracted 2 litres from her tummy on Thursday. The largest amount so far. But it seems that the water accumulates very quickly as they observed her stomach over the short period after.

Cope Loop
We will be here at least till Tuesday. Come Monday they will perform the cope loop procedure on her. This is where they attach a permanent water bag to her lower left abdomen so that the water extraction will be constant. Us caregivers will also need to be trained on how to maintain this.

Back @ SGH

2007-06-07T15:03:00.000+08:00

Yes, we're back @ SGH once again after yesterday's episode.
We checked in yesterday afternoon to Ward 74 since the Oncology Ward 48 was full at this time. Though this was sort of an upgrade we didn't enjoy it one bit because of the freezing temperatures! It's like winter here!

Anyway Jo's on a non-eating plan until her tummy fully recovers.
Good news is that the retching has stopped.

However early this morning there was another "episode" of breathlessness that scared me once again. After placing the plasma bag for transfusion, Jo suddenly complained of breathing difficulties. Oh no, not again...I prayed! But it gradually got worsed and a heart rate hit something like 150 bpm. After a dose of morphin and over 2 hours, she gradually calmed down...phew... Docs still don't have a conclusion to why this happened, but chances are she had a rare reaction to the plasma.

She's supposed to be transferred back to Ward 48 shortly. Just pray that its not a midnight move or something.

She'll need more rest, so don't bother visiting just yet...I'll keep ya all notified. Thanks.

Vomiting Blood

2007-06-06T06:32:00.000+08:00

Jo had hardly been eating since Monday.
She's been nauseas, wretching, bloated and tired.
Her tail bone is hurting.
She vomited bile yesterday.

She now sleeps in bed in a near upright position,
over layers of pillow and relieve cushions.
She can't lie flat in any way for she'll become breathless.

Early just this morning, she was nauseas again and vomited blood.
My heart cringed and I went into semi-panic mode.
I prayed and prayed and prayed,
I cried and cried and cried.

We were listening to Pastor Benny's "Armour of God" (Ephesians 6)
He said that us Christians should not live a defeated life.
And then Jo said she was at Peace.
Peace with God.

For hours we poured our hearts out,
We reminised the past -
Of how we first met,
The happiest times we've had,
and of what was to come.

It seemed so surreal,
Like a really bad dream.
I told myself over and over again.
This can't be happening.

And then God spoke to me,
"He said all that which I have given and provided for you,
Is but entrusted to Your care.
You are the guardian, but I am the owner.
So take good care of what I have entrusted you,
For there will be a time I will come to claim it."

The "A" Team

2007-06-05T23:55:00.000+08:00

We've had an incredible God sent team supporting us all this time.

First and foremost, father-in law, mom-in law and Jessica have been at our call 24x7.

FIL (at 74 years!) has been buying lunch regularly for Jo and myself. MIL has been dishing up her wonderful dinners nearly daily for us too. Jessica, has been getting all sorts of stuff and importantly cooking her first class chawan-mushi that's attained Jo's 5 star review.

Then there is the other support team (I like the term A Team better) working behind the scenes always praying, ever giving and unconditionally loving us. Just reflecting on this has made us feel so Blessed and truly loved. That's what Paul (the Apostle) mentioned in 1 Corinthians 12 isn't it, that the body is a unit though made up of many parts. Truly astounding when you see friends and family all garner together for a single cause.

Wow. Thank You God!

They have been doing the following:

- giving us a shoulder or two to cry on
- listening to us
- buying and delivering food (minestrone & garlic bread, japanese food, chicken soup, the list goes on)
- delivering CDs (audio sermons)
- running errands
- doing groceries
- coming by to pray
- ready to chaperone Jo @ home
- helping with our domestic paperwork
- donating platelets
- encouraging us through SMS-es and thru this Blog

Also, MIL had decided to leave her job to tag team with me to look after Jo full time since last Friday. I had suggested a week back while at SGH that I really needed more help moving forward and it seems she was glad to have me request this. Typically she'll come by as and when I'm out to watch over Jo. I am so grateful for that.

I know many more want to help and both Jo and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts. But really, leave me to contact you because we are not "pai seh" (shy) one. Trust me, when the time comes you will be "activated" accordingly and you better be ready :)

One thing I have learnt about being a caregiver is:
a. It requires stamina
b. It demands sensitivity

c. It involves help from others. Never trying to be a "Rambo"

God Bless and Thank you all.

In Christ Alone (Brian Littrell)

2007-06-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

An all time favourite that speaks of our total trust in Him.

Chorus:
In Christ alone, I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross.

Verse:
In every vic-tor-y let it be said of me
My source of strength, my source of hope
Is Christ alone.

Artist: Brian LittrellCopyright Credits: Shawn Craig, Don Koch ©1990 Paragon Music Corporation (Admin. by Brentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc., 741 Cool Springs Blvd., Franklin TN 37067) CCLI song #841440

Our Journey: Scaling the Mountain

2007-06-02T18:14:00.000+08:00

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be fine with you;And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,Nor will the flame burn you.For I am the Lord your
God."

We are now at the phase of our Journey where we're scaling a steep part of the mountain.

In fact we began the ascent, as I sit back and reflect, some 6 months back with the first occurence of Jo's back pain.

We don't know how much farther there is to climb before we reach the summit, but it's been lengthy and tough...really tough. At this point, we can't see all the way up but we can see quite a bit of how far we've come.

For those who know me, I've got a natural fear of heights or acrophobia. I don't know how this developed but it must have happened during one of the inter-island flights I took while I was studying overseas. So climbing let alone mountain climbing is the last thing on my mind and perhaps to me - a mindless life endangering activity which can be hardly considered as recreational.

April 19, 2007 - A night I'll never forget.

I usually never have Jo out of sight for too long, but this evening she had ventured into the bedroom and it was quiet for awhile. I thought she could've beenin the toilet, but I was sure I never heard any toilet flushing or water flowing from the taps.

I walked into the bedroom to check. The lights were off except for the glow of the toilet lights streaming into the bedroom.

There she was, huddled in a corner at the edge of the bed sitting on the floor, sobbing away...I rushed immediately toward her and gave her a hug as we sat silently. We knew each other's thoughts, we knew our hearts were strained and our tears were jointly flowing as if two streams coming together as one.

The reality is that her situation has gotten serious. In fact, it was serious since the recurrence in 2004.

Just last Tuesday morning, Dr Leong pulled me aside when she made her morning rounds. She told me that looking at the latest reports/results of Jo's X-rays and blood tests. She may no longer be suitable for the NUH clinical trial and to be prepared for the worst. It was bad news, but nothing all too surprising from the development of things over the past months...the bloatedness, water in the lungs etc.

That night, we decided to lay everything before the foot of the Cross - our fears, grief, worry, anxiety, thanksgiving and confession about everything we thought was hindering our walk with God. We got rid of things in the house that could be strongholds by the devil. We reaffirmed out Faith in Christ and it took off a whole load of our burdens.We decided importantly, to work on our Will too.

No, we're not giving up in anyway! Simply acknowledging the inevitable. It's extremely hard when you realise that Jo and I have dreams and hopes we grieve for:
a. not being able to retire together
b. not being able to travel/vacate to our favourite locations (mainly island beach resorts...with good sand and clear blue waters!)
c. never having kids (which we love so much)
d. not being able to be parents
e. not being able to check out foodie places that Jo loves

We continue to pray for a miracle daily. We believe that God is omnipotent and can accomplish what He wants, whenever He wants without any need for man's intervention. God can heal in response to prayer whenever He chooses to do so.

Can God heal? Yes! Do all get healed? No!

So the question at the end of the day is "what is His Will for Joanne?" And what does He desire for Joanne to accomplish through this? We need to be mindful that God's Will for us supercedes all things. Just as in the book of Jonah, we see Jonah running away from God because he didn't want to go to a far away land but eventually does so because of God. We don't have the answers but we've seen one thing for sure, that many are being touched by Christ in following us on our journey.

Having said all that, we aren't climbing alone for sure. We have a Master Climber that guides and leads us every step of the way, he knows every thing there is to climb this mountain be it crossing a crevice or scaling the side of a steep rock wall with no hand or foothold in sight.

We need to realise that sometimes the Master Climber may not always be by our side but instead ahead or above us searching for the right path to climb. However we are ALWAYS tethered to Him (with a rope) and He IS with us.

Ultimately, our lives are in the palm of God's hand. Whether we live or die, we are the Lord's (Romans 14:8) and therein lies our victory!

The Great Race (from Strength for the Journey)

2007-06-02T12:06:00.000+08:00

“Run in such a way as to get the prize” 1 Corinthians 9:24

The month of June brings many sure signs of summer: the sweet smell of cut grass, soft breezes, picnics, fireflies, thunderstorms—and runners. This unique breed of humanity, forced to run circles in cramped indoor quarters during the North American winter, emerges with the first hint of spring and spends the summer dashing through neighborhoods and parks.

I have nothing against runners. Some of my best friends are addicted runners. Though I have never seen a runner smiling, apparently there is something fulfilling about it. I even tried it once, waiting for that surge of ecstasy that my friends told me I would experience, only to find that the ecstasy came when I stopped running!

So, whatever you think about running, it’s important to note that the Bible often speaks of living the Christian life as if it we were running a race. Following Jesus is clearly more than a leisurely stroll in the park! And the issue is not whether you will run the race. When you became His follower, you were put in the race. The question is not will you run, but how will you run?

So, here are three keys to running well.

First, stay in shape! I like Paul’s perspective in 1 Corinthians 9:24: “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.” In other words, you need to be in it to win, and, like any race, winning requires discipline. As spiritual runners, we must discipline ourselves in the exercise and dietary habits of prayer and reading God’s Word. Drinking at the fountain of prayer and digesting the food of God’s Word gives us strength and motivation to run and win.

Secondly, obey the rules! Like all races, running to win means staying in the boundaries. Paul committed himself to living his life by God’s rules. He did not want to be “disqualified for the prize” (v.27). As good runners, we embrace the rules and gladly submit to them.

Thirdly, run light! As Hebrews 12:1 instructs us, we are to lay aside every hindering weight and the sin that so easily besets us. What is it that distracts you and what is the sin that slows you down? Take them off and run light!

And finally, a couple more tips. Hebrews 12:1 also tells us to be willing to persevere. Our race is more than a few laps around the track—it’s a long-distance marathon. And let’s face it, this marathon can be stressful. Sometimes it’s the wind of life blowing against us—or mud kicked in our face from the runner in front of us. But whatever the case, runners that win never give up!

And keep your eyes on the finish line. Jesus is there! When you run for the honor and glory of His name, He reaches out with the victor’s crown and says, “Well done, good and faithful servant!”

In my book, that’s worth running for!

YOUR JOURNEY…

Read 1 Corinthians 9:24-27.
Would you say that you are running “aimlessly,” or are you competing for the “crown that will last forever”?

Read Hebrews 12:1-3.
What things hinder and entangle you, and how do you intend to throw them off? What does Paul say to do so that you will not “grow weary and lose heart”?

In Paul’s parting words to Timothy in 2 Timothy 4:7-8, he says that he is not the only one who will be awarded by the Lord. How does that encourage you to keep running for the prize?

Home Finally

2007-06-01T16:29:00.000+08:00

Jo's finally discharged this afternoon, and we just got home at 3:00pm...phew!

Certainly glad to be home once again.

She didn't sleep well last night, must've been because I squeezed on the tiny bed with her :)

Nausea's almost gone, a little breathless but otherwise in much better condition.

She's now knocked out on her very comfortable Stressless Chair.

I'm gonna chill for awhile and blog a little more tonite.

God Bless ya all.

Platelets Needed

2007-05-30T14:13:00.000+08:00

I've already activated some of you for the above.
And I know I would have many more potential donors if I'd call on the rest of you. But if you haven't gotten an SMS or call from me, don't worry it only means that we have sufficient for now. Thank you!

What are Platelets?
Platelets is one of the components of whole blood. Whole blood is made of several components including red blood cells, white blood cells, platelets and plasma. Each component plays a special role and platelets help to prevent bleeding.

What is Platelet Donation (plateletpheresis)?
This is a special kind of blood donation that allows for platelets to be extracted from whole blood. Whole blood is withdrawn from the donor and separated into its various components by a blood separator machine. The rest of its components are returned to the donor except for the platelets.

How does it work and how long does it take?
The procedure is exactly like normal blood donation/transfusion and requires about 2 hours to complete.

Why does Joanne need this?
Patients with cancer will need platelet transfusion to prevent bleeding. Many times during her chemotherapy treatment (and radiotherapy treatment) both cancer and healthy cells are destroyed, thus lowering their ability to prevent bleeding.

Also, Jo will be doing a small procedure next week to have a tube attached to her stomach so as to have the water drain constantly instead of having to come back to NCC regularly.

Is This Safe?
1. Yes. Each donation is closely supervised by trained staff who will observe you throughout the process. During the donation you will may experience mild side effects like a tingling sensation around the lips and nose. This is due to the anticoagulant used in the procedure. Serious side effects like hypotension and fainting spells are uncommon.

2. The donation does not significantly reduce the platelets in you as your body will replace platelets quickly. You should experience no bleeding problems.

Who can be a Donor?
a. Between 18-45 years old
b. Weigh at least 50kg
c. Must be of 0+ Blood Type
d. Be in good health (not sick) or have not taken antibiotics, aspirin or products containing aspirin or other anti-inflammatory medications for 72 hours.
e. Have good prominent veins on both arms.

Where Must I Go For This?
Apheresis Suite at the National Cancer Centre (NCC) is located at Ambulatory Treatment Unit (ATU), Level 3. Please obtain a set of screening forms from the nurses in the ward. If required, you will be issued with an excuse cert for time spent for screening and donation.

National Cancer Centre11 Hospital Drive Singapore 169610

Main Tel & Fax No Tel: +65 6436 8000Fax: +65 6225 6283

Operating Hours:

Mondays to Fridays - 8.00am to 5.30 pm

How do I Get Here?

http://www.nccs.com.sg/visitor/pb02_2.htm

Discharged Today?...No Tomorrow...

2007-05-30T11:18:00.000+08:00

We'll be out of SGH today in about 2 hours time....and so I thought.

Then Jo started throwing up for the 4th time at 1:30pm and we decided along with the doctors to stay on for another day at least till this is resolved.

Yesterday's pleural tap part 2 removed some 850ml of water from her right lung. She's in stable condition, not eating much but definitely glad to have the water out.

Again, many thanks for the prayer cover and all who came.

Today she needs to catch up on her rest.

God Bless
Alex

Breathless!!

2007-05-28T20:58:00.000+08:00

So here I am blogging from Ward 48 Room 20 of SGH...you can't even begin to imagine the ordeal that just transpired barely 24 hrs ago...

How It All Began...
It all started last evening at about 9:30pm. Jo said that she was tired and wanted to call it an early night. Since I was zonked out playing FIFA 2007 (PC Football game) most of yesterday afternoon, I too decided to turn in early. After she washed up and laid down for about 5 mins, she suddenly complained of breathing difficulties. I jumped up straight away as I realised it was not subsiding. She began clutching her chest and neck saying "very hard to breathe...can't breathe!" and I was at this point pale with fear and partially "brain dead". CS came to mind immediately (our "resident" Small Group doctor :) and I called him and he came running by to check Jo's breathing and heart rate.

After deep prayer for some 5 mins, her breathing started to improve and we thot we might just ride it out. Just then the breathlessness returned and CS contacted Dr Tien suggesting that we should check in to the A&E @ SGH.

Ambulance For The First Time
We called 995 and the ambulance arrived promptly and whisked us off to SGH. She was provided oxygen in the vehicle and it helped to alleviate the situation.

The wait at the A&E wasnt too bad and within 2 hours she had the last bed in the room and was resting rather fine.

Pricked, Pricked and Pricked...ahhh
Then came the unnecessary pricks to her hand which so agitated and frustrated me. I know it's not always easy finding the veins but pricking her 3 x to find a vein is ridiculous! Ok ok calm down Alex...(fuming)

In the morning Dr Leong did her rounds and said that the pleural tap (lung) and abdominal tap would be done soon after she was given an infusion of platelets. Dr Tien was present to carry out the 2 procedures.
The Procedures
At the end of the day, some 1.2 litres was extracted from the abdomen and another 730mls from the right lung. We thank God immensely for the successful procedures. The pleural tap was done by a needle pricking thru her right back between the rib bones accessing a small cavity area laden with water within the right lung. Doc says that the X-rays had shown some 3-4 litres of water present in both lungs. This is the very first time she's doing it.

If all is fine, Doc will extract more water from the lungs tomorrow. The colour of the water looks like beer.

After the procedure, she had her fav noodles with duck soup from the kopi tiam below. Ahh, what a relieve to see her eat...and eat well.

Again, I thank you all for your prayers and presence for those who came by. Really really appreciate it. We continue to hold fast that all will be well tomorrow. I reckon the earliest she'll be discharged is probably Wednesday...will keep ya all posted.

*SGH - Singapore General Hospital

Updates - 26 May 2007

2007-05-26T09:40:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the long delay. Needed sometime off to chill and besides was rather busy too.

The NUH Clinical Trial Saga ... (driving me mad)
We will be @ NUH on Monday, 28 May to meet with Dr Goh and find out once and for all the exact trial timetable for Jo. What gets me all worked up is the inefficiency of the trial coordinator who keeps saying she's gonna call us for updates on this without ever calling back! That's the key peeve I have with NUH/NCI vs NCC, just can't understand how clueless they can get...

So to all, no the trial won't start this coming week, but rather sometime in June. I just hope it doesn't clash with CommunicAsia 2007 which I'm involved in.

Bloated, Bloated, Bloated
Jo's still feeling really bloated to the point that the water seems to be all over her mid abdomen area, thighs and knee area. Her feet and ankle are nearly always bloated as long as she doesn't lay them straight.

Just yesterday she vomited twice for no real apparent reason, once at home and the other at our Small Group...arrrgh, just hate this. God help us.

Marche's
We managed to go by Marches for dinner on Thursday and it did a whole lot of good for her. She had a bit of steak, rostie's, ham & cheese crepe and some veggie dish. She's hardly out of the house anyway since walking can get painful due to the bloatedness...pain in the joins etc etc.

Small Group
Last night we were quite adamant to attending our Small Group since we've missed it for nearly 3 months now, and Jo really misses this. From the moment we sat down at CS's place she was already feeling a little queasy. After her throwing up, we left at 10-ish.

Audio Sermons
We've finally seriously started our quest to listen to God's messages via audio sermons (both online & offline) since it's hard for Jo to go to church nowadays. After David's & CS's recommendation of Pastor Benny Ho's "Nurturing Your Inner Life" series, we decided to borrow it from our Church's AV library. It was great listening and after that we started getting hungry for more, so we tune back into our favourite site - Strength for the Journet @ www.rbc.org with Pastor Jo Stowell. Nice crisp and simple messages that last between 12-20 mins. What I do is that I run the player on my laptop (with wireless broadband), plug the headphones in and share it between the 2 of us. After the message, we discuss and recap the key points. It's helped mine and Jo's Spiritual intake very much now. It's like atteding Sunday service every evening, and Jo says that its the best time of the day which she looks forward to always.

You should try it too.

All Went Well + Makan @ Bluespoon Cafe (Ghim Moh)

2007-05-19T07:35:00.001+08:00

Thanks for the prayer cover all! All went well. The wait was unbearable but hey, we're used to it now. While waiting for our turn, Jo's cousin (ah bing) & daughter came by to chat with us since they were in the area. It was good to catch up.

We got started @ 3:30pm instead and the procedure was done quite quickly due to the ever conscientious Dr Richard Yap, a filipino medical oncologist we've been seeing for this. Last time round the attending doc didn't exactly do a great job, but that's ok. Khatija (top right) is an expert at massaging the abdomen to aid the flow of the water.

After plugging Jo (top left) at the lower left abdomen, he let the water flow on its own - about 30 mins later he came by to manually extract the water into the drip bag with a large syringe hooked onto the "tap". This was very efficient although a little tedious (see second & third row pix) and went on for about 15mins until the drip bag was full of 1.1 liters of "yellow stuff".

Julia (senior nurse, top left) came by to plug Jo for the 100ml of Albumin/Protein to aid against the water retention. CS came by with food and prayed with us when we ended @ 5:45pm.

Bluespoon
Block 21 Ghim Moh Road #01-213 (S) 270021
Tel: 6455-6455
Open: 10am to 10pm on weekdays; 9am to 10pm on weekends; closed on Mondays
www.bluespoongourmet.com

The last time we came here, it was closed. Finally we've conquered it! We came here for lunch since the appointment time was about 3:00pm.

This is a quaint little outlet smacked right in the heart of heartlander Ghim Moh estate (directly opposite from the mini bus terminal)...though after serious contemplation, the owner's might have gotten it quite right since this is District 10 and Mt Sinai folks are just round the corner along with lotsa expats...good target market. Bluespoon is actually a restaurant or cafe if you like stocked with a frozen corner serving gourment food. You could take away most of their items on the menu! So what did we have? (Read the reviews from Asiaone)

Jo had her Lampchops (3 pieces for $11.90) and I - the Striploin @ $14.90. Ok to start of with, I didn't like skinny fries unless they're done the Russett Burbank style aka MacDonald's. I felt it was just too skinny and straight off from the supermarket packet. But, hey Jo likes it. :) My Striploin was quite tender but there was a constant mild bitter taste to it which I couldn't place a finger to...was it my numb tongue or what? There was salad and corn on the side too. Jo was ok with the Lambchops though the lamb scent was a little strong. We had coffee and coke with it. Go check it out.

Abdominal Tap - Part 2

2007-05-17T10:29:00.000+08:00

Jo still feels uncomfortable with her bloatedness and she's decided that she wants to do the "water tap" procedure tomorrow morning (Friday, 18 May) @ NCC. The first time when we did this last Monday, she'd been eating a fair bit during and just after the procedure.

But somehow it didn't last long as you recalled.
So let's keep the Faith that tomorrow's procedure effects would be better. Amen!

We'll be in @ 11:30am to see the doc. The procedure should begin about 1pm and I reckon with all the delays we should be out by 5pm. The flow usually takes a couple of hours.

Botak Jones

2007-05-16T17:12:00.000+08:00

I guess this column of ours has reduced significantly since both of us have hardly been out to eat except to ta pao (take away) food. Anyway, the renown Botak Jones has moved into our neighbourhood about a month back. The burgers are great especially the patties which aren't like your cookie cutter burger joints. The patties may not look huge but they are densely packed and ARE filling! I had the double botak burger...and man did I feel full. Many years ago, I could still finish the "U-Crazy What?" (Thriple beef patties, 450gm of pure meat!!)...man...I was younger than. :)

The pix from the top clockwise are:

1. Chicken Gumbo (Soup) - 6.00 (large)

2. Double Botak Burger - $8.50

"300 GRAMS (150gm per patty) OF HAND FORMED BEEF. ALL THE BURGERS ARE SUPPOSED TO COME OUT MEDIUM WELL, WHICH, IF DONE CORRECTLY, WILL LEAVE THEM VERY JUICY. IF YOU LIKE YOURS WELL DONE AND DRY, JUST GIVE US THE WORD" (From their online menu)

3. The boss himself??

"Exam Time" (May 15, Strength for the Journey by Jo Stowell)

2007-05-16T07:57:00.000+08:00

“God tested Abraham” Genesis 22:1

In universities everywhere, mid-May brings late-night study sessions, caffeine-fueled writing binges, and ulcer-inducing stress as students are preparing for final exams—those critically important tests to determine how well the student has learned the lessons of the semester.

Let’s look at a familiar incident in the life of Abraham through that lens.

Genesis 22 begins by saying, “God tested Abraham.” In other words, it’s like Abraham’s big exam. And what is the test? God is about to test Abraham’s allegiance to the one true God in a most stressful way.

So let’s review: God called out Abraham to the city of Ur. Ur was an advanced culture and a highly sophisticated town, but it was rampant with idolatry. When God passed out this test to Abraham, Abraham was wandering through Canaan—yet another pagan, idolatrous region. And keep in mind that in pagan idolatry, the highest demonstration of loyalty to one’s god was to offer—you guessed it—your children as a sacrifice.

With that in mind, look back at Genesis 22:1. The text actually says that it is the God who tests Abraham. This is in contrast to those lifeless forms of wood and stone that were the idols of the pagan Canaanites. And it’s the one true God who comes to Abraham and gives him the following test.

Would the loyalty and allegiance of Abraham to the genuine Creator God match the misplaced loyalty and devotion of the surrounding nations to their false idols? The test is simple yet very demanding: “Abraham,” God says, “Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love . . . and sacrifice him.”

That’s the test, plain and simple. It’s a pass/fail exam with no room for grading on the curve. If Abraham obeys, demonstrating his allegiance, loyalty, and trust in the promises of God, he passes the test. If he refuses, he retains control over his son’s destiny, but fails to demonstrate his commitment to following God no matter what the cost.

Well, we know the rest of the story. In fact, it’s amplified and explained beautifully in the book of Hebrews where the writer explains that Abraham by faith obeyed, reckoning that even if Isaac died, God could raise him from the dead (Hebrews 11:17-19).

So what does Abraham’s test have to do with us? While God won’t ask you to literally sacrifice a child on an altar, He does often require the things in your life that are precious to you. Think about it. Isaac was God’s gift to Abraham. All of God’s promises were wrapped up in that miracle child. How easy it would have been for Abraham to love Isaac more than he loved God. Or to put it another way, to love the gift more than the Giver! The test may be the same for you. God always wants to know that nothing in your life is more important or more valuable than your relationship to Him. It may even be a sinful pattern that for some reason provides temporary kicks, comfort, or security. Do you love Him more than the sin in your life?

If by faith you can believe with Abraham that when God takes something from you, God will give something back in even better terms, then you will pass the test and give Him all He demands and all He desires. Whether it’s your money, your possessions, your career, your dreams, or even your children to His service—everything we give to Him is an opportunity to pass the test and in worship prove to Him that nothing in our lives is of greater value than His friendship and fellowship.

As you face the tests of this week, know that your Tester loves you deeply and is ready to help you pass, like Abraham, with flying colors!

YOUR JOURNEY…

What tests are you currently facing?

What can you learn from the example of Abraham to help you pass the test with flying colors?

James 1:2-4 also addresses the issue of tests. Based on this passage, what is God testing and why?

If you’re one of those people who has always dreaded taking exams, ask the Lord to change your perspective about His tests. Think through the reasons that He wants to test you, and trust Him to supply the courage and faith you need to pass the exam in a way that glorifies Him.

Updates - 13 May 2007

2007-05-13T10:14:00.000+08:00

Esther (Pastoral Care) and Sandy (YM) from Church came by on Wednesday to chat and pray with Jo...not forgetting Dave too. Thank you for your prayer support.

Bloatedness - Tummy and Feet

Seems to have gone back to the previous size. As you can see from the pix - her tummy is almost similar to that of a 3-4 month pregnant lady. Mainly air / gas trapped within along with water. Because it's so enlarged (tummy) it causes back pains and stretches the skin so much it becomes dry. We apply moisturising cream to both feet and her tummy in the evening.

Her feet has remained bloated similarly. It's an interesting pix you see above. You can't even make out her veins and ankle joints. It gets a little pain in walking since the skin is quite stretched. She sleeps with her feet raised on a pillow at night.

I leave you with the words of Paul in 2 Corinthians 4:16-5:1

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands."

We remain focus on what He has in store for us..

Still (Reuben Morgan)

2007-05-09T20:19:00.000+08:00

So often when we face a crisis or problem, we try to do everything humanly possible to resolve, to take control of the situation. But really being Still is what's needed at times.. to come before God in total surrender and submission. Only then will one truly realise that we will and can soar above the storm. This song has always ministered to me and has kept me mindful of this fact and for the often occasions when I'm rushing about in the affairs of this world...to be still.

Hide me now under Your wings

Cover me within Your mighty hand

Chorus

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with you above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul in Christ alone

Know His power in quietness and trust

Constipation then Diarrhoea...

2007-05-08T22:45:00.000+08:00

Jo called me at 2pm today while I was lunching with a client and I rushed back immediately.

She complained of pain in the stomach, more like that of severe constipation...it was so excruciating that we were considering going back to the hospital. We decided to wait awhile and she took some morphine to calm down and ease the pain.

Earlier on she had taken a couple of laxatives to aid her bowel movement...and it worked...too well. At this point, she's gone to the loo nearly 8 times and now she's got diarrhoea! Arrgh.

Poor girl, she's exhausted and drained...didn't eat anything till this evening where she had a tiny bit of porridge. Appreciate your prayers here that all will be well tomorrow.

Looks like we get these "surprises" more often these days.

He will cover you with his pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.
For He will give His angels
charge concerning you,
To guard you in all your ways,
They will bear you
up in their hands,
Lest you strike your foot against a stone
Psalm 91:4,11-12

Procedure Completed!

2007-05-07T18:27:00.000+08:00

Thanks for all the prayer cover. Amen that all went smoothly this morning.

Sorry if the pixes are too graphic, it helps you appreciate and understand what Jo goes thru' from time to time...

We arrived this morning at NCC all ready for the procedure. The procedure/treatment room was in the Morning Glory suite and resembled more of a C1 Ward with several beds.

Blood Transfusion
After Jo had laid down, Julia (senior nurse) came by to prepare the plug on her left arm. Jo was also informed that the blood transfusion would take place. A total of 367ml of blood 0+ was to be transfused. Transfusion time: 3hrs.

Abdominal Tap
About half an hour later, the doctor arrived to perform the abdominal tap. They first injected local anaesthetic to the lower left abdomen area. After that a needle and almost micro cathether is inserted into the abdomen. Gradually yellow liquid (water)flowed from the tube into a bag hanging by the side of the bed. A total of 1.2 litres of water was extracted.

It took some 4-5 hours for whole procedure partly due to the slow flowing process.

At the end of the day, Jo seemed slightly better. Stomach doesn't look too big now but it's still bloated.

She's still sleeping now and was feeling quite fatigued throughout. Hopefully she should be able to eat more and feel less bloated from here on.

Updates - 4 May 2007

2007-05-04T21:41:00.000+08:00

We had a rather busy morning (and afternoon) meeting with Dr Leong and Dr Cythia Goh (Palliative Medicine) today.

Jo's Lethargy & Bloatedness
The above symptoms that Jo has been experiencing for the last month can be diagnosed with the following solutions:

a) Blood Transfusion - to increase her low haemogloblin count. Doc will decide whether this is required on Monday.

b) Thyroid Hormone Replacement - since she has low thyroid hormone production (due to her Radiotheraphy to the neck in 2001 affecting her thyroid gland located in the neck) The medication (Levothyroxine Sodium) serves to increase the metabolic rate of cells of all tissues in the body. In adults, thyroid hormone helps to maintain brain function, food metabolism, and body temperature, among other effects. She should feel less tired in the future with this medication.

c) Abdominal Tap - see below

Jo's Monday (7 May) Procedure - Peritoneal Tap / Abdominal Tap
Jo will undergo an outpatient procedure called the abdominal tap @ NCC on Monday. The following has been extracted from Healthline.com to better explain this process.

Definition
An abdominal tap is a procedure in which a needle is inserted through the abdominal wall to remove fluid from the abdomen. Normally, the abdomen contains only a small amount of fluid. In certain conditions, large amounts of fluid can accumulate in the abdomen.

How the test is performed
This test will be conducted in NCC. The puncture site will be cleansed and shaved, if necessary. The patient receives a local anesthetic. The tap needle is inserted 1 to 2 inches into the abdomen. The fluid is then withdrawn into a syringe. The needle is removed, and a dressing is applied to the puncture site.

Why the test is performed
An abdominal tap may be performed to diagnose the cause of fluid accumulation, to diagnose infected abdominal fluid, or to remove a large amount of fluid to reduce abdominal pain.

Prayer Request
a) That there will not be any complications with the Abdominal Tap procedure.
b) Jo's energy to return.
c) Jo's appetite to increase.
d) Jo's faith and spirit to remain like a strong fortress - unwaivering.

Thank you and may the Lord Bless you all.

New Trial @ NUH

2007-05-04T21:30:00.000+08:00

We were back @ NUH on Wednesday to meet with Dr Goh.

He had suggested another clinical trial which Jo is eligible for and we have decided to take this up. This trial in essence is similar to the current Avastin drug that Jo has been taking on the last 2 occasions, except...much more potent. The details spelt out below:

Clinical Trial Details
The trial will begin probably on Monday, 28 May 2007.

This trial is a targeted therapy developed through better understanding of the differences between cancer cells and normal cells. One such difference is the high blood vessel development of the cancer, and this is caused by production of a class of molecules called VEGF (vascular endothelial growth factor) and PDGF (platelet derived growth factor). The trial drug targets these receptors and can interrupt the process of blood vessel production in the cancer.

The purpose of this trial is to determine the dose of this trial drug that is suitable for use in further studies in specific cancers, its drug levels and the safety profile of this drug at different dose levels.

Treatment Plan
This is divided into 2 parts, part 1 & part 2. The drug is administered in liquid form and taken at night. Each treatment cycle is 21 days. Dosing is continuous and there is no break in between cycles, unless side effects warrant stopping treatment.

Blood Tests Required
Jo will have to go through the "vampire" treatment again, as with most clinical trials, there will be lotsa blood "donation."

2 days before the 1st cycle begins: 0 (pre-dose), 1, 3, 4, 6, 8, and 24 hours. 4ml of blood (ie. 1 teaspoon)

Day 1 of cycle 1: 0 (pre-dose), 1, 3, 4, 6, 8, 24 and 48 hours. 4ml of blood per sample.

Day 15 of cycle 1: 0 (pre-dose), 1, 3, 4, 6, 8 hours. 4ml of blood (ie. 1 teaspoon)
At cycle 3, a 4ml of blood sample will be collected and then at every 2 cycles thereafter.

As for cycle 2, it is somewhat similar to the above format...so you get the picture now eh?

Scans, Scans, Scans...
There will be a number of routine CT and MRI scans throughout. Even if Jo proceeds after Cycle 2, she will have to take a CT Scan every 6 weeks for 1 year.

Side Effects/Risks of the Trial
Very Common - Protein in the Urine, Dryness in the mouth, Tiredness, Muscle and bone pain, skin rash, raised blood pressure
Common - Loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting
Less Common - Lower blood cell count, bleeding, diarrhoea

Problems with Blogger!

2007-05-04T21:19:00.000+08:00

Very sorry for the delay, I know everyone has been waiting for an update...and I have lots of it.

Had major problems trying to log into Blogger from Wed until this evening.

How Great Is Our God (Chris Tomlin)

2007-05-01T02:39:00.000+08:00

One of my all time favourites. Play it and worship along...

Let My Words Be Few (Phillips, Craig & Dean)

2007-05-01T02:34:00.001+08:00

More Rest...

2007-04-30T16:36:00.000+08:00

I know quite a few of you wanted to catch up with Jo during this week, but it's simply quite difficult for her to ascertain when her body is really up to it.

The past 2 days she's gone back to the "no eat all sleep" routine. Again this is reminiscent of the 1st Avastin treatment and I guess it's the primary cause. She's been extremely tried, just waking to eat or go to the toilet. When awake, she seems really drowsy.

Her appetite is really small. Last night she only had 2/3 rds of a small cup of chawanmushi that her sis made. For lunch today, she had yong tau foo minus the noodles and tonite she'll have minestrone soup that a friend has made.

So I'll keep you all posted when she's feeling better. Thanks for your understanding...

In the mean time, do keep your SMSes coming cos' she reads them. God Bless!

Rest

2007-04-28T19:45:00.000+08:00

We both missed our Small Group time last night cos' we were just exhausted.

Unfortunately she had a small bout of vomiting at about 9pm...and then was back to sleep. I think it's how she lies. The flatter you are, the easier the acid is able to reflux up from the stomach thereby causing heartburn and ultimately vomiting. So we try to ensure she sleeps at an incline of about 20 degrees or more.

Personal Bell (Pictured above)
Since I'm usually out and about in the house and can't hear Jo when she calls for me either when she's in the room or in the living room, I'd requested for suggestions from friends to recommend a good "baby monitor". Thanks to a friend, he'd suggested using one of those wireless digital door bells (runs on batteries). It was great, cos' now all Jo needs to do is press the button and I'll come running in! The bell has got a 16 chime variation...and I'm using one that sounds like bird chirpings...chirp chirp!

SGH - Day 2 & Home!

2007-04-27T17:27:00.000+08:00

Ahh, finally managed to catch my breath after a hectic day @ SGH.

Day 2 - 26 April 2007
We bumped into an old sunday school student of ours Dr Andrew Wong. Instantly
he recalled who I was, what a small world ain't it? Interestingly enough he was tasked to "plugging" Jo which he did a good job of.

Then we bumped into Dr Mark Tien, our Small Group friend who was working in the ward. Was really thankful that God had placed these people at strategic occasions for us. Mark shared the amazing testimony of a Mennonite pastor who recently passed on...we have been encouraged!

Protein Drip
Dr Darren Lim came by to chat a bit and said that Jo was required to have an Albumin (Protein) drip since her blood test showed low levels of this. The nurse plugged the yellow glass bottle and within 30 mins it was done. Albumin would serve to reduce the water retention in Jo's body.

"Albumin refers generally to any protein with water solubility, which is moderately soluble in concentrated salt solutions, and experiences heat coagulation (protein denaturation). Substances containing albumin, such as egg white, are called albuminoids."

Avastin Treatment
Nurse came by @ 3pm yesterday and it was done within the hour. No side effects post treatment so far though. Amen!

A few friends came by from late afternoon all the way to the evening. Thank you all for being with us.

Palliative Care Nurse
A nurse from Palliative Medicine came by and had a long chat with us - asking about Jo's current symptoms, sharing about pain management and current medication history.

Palliative care is any form of medical care or treatment that concentrates on reducing the severity of disease symptoms or slowing the disease's progress, rather than providing a cure. The goal is to prevent and relieve suffering and to improve quality of life for people facing serious, complex illness. (Wikipedia)

Day 3 - 27 April 2007

Didn't really get a good nite's sleep since the aircon was freezing in the room. However managed to sleep outside in the common lounge area. Dr Leong finally came by this morning and discussed about her case. We will continue to see her next Friday morning. Dr Leong also mentioned if the bloatedness got really bad, that was an option to remove the liquid via small procedure.

Dr Alethia Yee

Dr Yee (Palliative Medicine) came by and had a long chat with Jo too. She chatted everything from pain management to discussing our treatment goals...as in what do we hope to achieve with Jo's current state of health - quality of life or etc etc. Importantly, she added another dimension in answering Jo's many questions about medication, treatment and home care options. Wow, it was a handful just taking all that in in one go, but it was very helpful.

Going Home

We finally checked out of the hospital @ about 4:00pm.

SGH - Day 1

2007-04-25T23:10:00.000+08:00

Wireless @ SG
Finally got the darn Wireless@SG thing going...almost impossible to obtain a good reception where I am (between 37% to 45%). Had to tilt multiple angles and all...anyway here I am blogging away again.

This Morning
We saw Dr Leong this morning and she commented that the blood test was fine, in fact it was a marginal improvement over the initial test 3 weeks ago. She then proceeded to admit us to SGH. The nurse confirmed that it was a packed day today as no one seemed to be checking out from the A1 or A1+ Wards. We settled for a B1 Ward anyway when the nurse called us at 3pm. (We had decided to go home and await the nurse's call when she had confirmed the ward details)

At SGH (Ward 48, Level 8 Room 11)
On arrival, I ushered Jo to her already vacant bed in the 4 bedded room. There were 3 other ladies here. Ward 48 is a Medical Oncology ward specialised in caring for Cancer patients. I tucked Jo into her bed and got her comfy then rushed down to get the admission done...little did I know that it took some 1.5 hours to complete this!!!

Treatment Postponed
By the time I got up at 5:10pm, the attending MO had mentioned that it was too late for the treatment and we would have to wait till tomorrow morning. I was flustered as we wanted this done today - that was the sole purpose of coming in. Anyway, I soon calmed down. Jo should have the treatment done 1st thing in the morning and prayerfully without major side effects. The infusion will last 60 mins as compared to 90 mins previously.

CS and wife & friend (Apple) came by and got a little piggy & card for her. A really cute one :) Thanks folks for your prayers too.

As of 1:00am, she's sleeping soundly having taken Lorezapam (sleeping pill). She had some chicken rice thingy for dinner but that couldn't quite make it for her and CS went down to the foodcourt to get some fish porridge which she enjoyed. Her parents came by too.

Please contact me first before coming by, am not too sure how she'll be feeling tomorrow. In any case she would love to have your company.

Once again, thank you for your continued prayer support.

Tonite

2007-04-24T22:35:00.000+08:00

Jo told me just a few hours ago that she wasn't feeling good at all. In fact she was depressed...really depressed. She poured out all that was on her mind... She hasn't been eating or sleeping well. Nausea, bloatedness and aches all over. Watching TV, reading or eating doesn't even excite her anymore...restlessness... In essence her quality of life has deterioratated.

She said that she just looks forward to the end of day, so that she can sleep...sleep it all off.

And it doesn't help when the evil one lurks and puts stupid thoughts in her mind. And so I prayed fervently in Jesus name to cast out every evil influence in whatever form upon her. Mark 16:17 states that we have power over demons and the evil one.

It's easy for me to say that God demands Jo's fullest attention at this point...yet I know she's been praying unceasingly for His will to be done. So what does God want of her at this time? But perhaps to continue living in FULL faith knowing that He is our only Hope. No "answers" will answer all our questions, or take us through life's hard times. However I've learned a little gem from "Bruised But Not Broken" (Stanley Baldwin, Multnomah Press 1985) that "It is not what we know but whom we know that is critical to our survival. It is Christ who is our Rock. It is in Christ we can do all things."

Tomorrow
We will see Dr Leong tomorrow morning for the usual check up. If her blood test results are fine, then she'll be taking the next round of Avastin treatment either the same day if not on Thursday.

Admission to SGH
Jo wants to be admitted to SGH for the treatment just in case the side effects return. She'll probably be warded for 2-3 days pending nothing serious happens post treatment. We'll most likely be @ Ward 78. We'll keep you posted on developments.

Made Me Glad (Hillsongs)

2007-04-24T16:27:00.000+08:00

Darlene Zschech, 2002 Integrity Music (USA)

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord

Chorus
You are my shield
My strength
My portion
Deliverer
My shelter
Strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire besides You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

Updates - 23 April 2007

2007-04-23T23:28:00.000+08:00

With each passing day I thank God for little blessings that come our way: when Jo eats, when she smiles, when she doesn't feel any discomfort or pain...

All was fine last Thursday till Sunday evening. She'd been dining out with a couple of friends for lunch and dinner...her appetite typically increases a little more when she's out eating.

But...

Yesterday
She had fish & chips for lunch and she'd vomited that out the moment we got home...

This early morning, she wretched and wretched at the toilet bowl but nothing came out...her stomach was churning again...

Today
For lunch, she had a little chawanmushi and still she threw them out about a half hour later...we thot that this was the "safest" food for her since it's totally reminiscence of the same event that happened 2 weeks ago after her chemo treatment...

For dinner, her parents cooked porridge and steamed egg...and yet she threw it out too...

It was a really tough day for her... at times she couldn't lie down for no position was comfortable...

Our Prayer Requests that the following will stop:
- Body aches
- Nauseas and vomiting
- Headaches
- Stomach bloatedness
- Water retention @ feet

And that she would be able to just eat & sleep well

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me
because He delighted in me. Psalms 18:19

Holy Communion @ Home & Banana Leaf Apolo

2007-04-18T19:02:00.000+08:00

Another wonderful day today. Jo had requested to eat at The Banana Leaf Apolo @ Race Course Road today.

After my morning meeting, we arranged with our other SG members to join us in this. David, CS and Ruth were with us.

We had Briyani rice, Tandoori Chicken, Curry Fish head and Mutton Masala. We had papadums on the side. For drinks we had their famous lime juice. Overall a fantastic meal with great company. Rice and papadums are free flow for your information. Above all, we thank God that Jo ate really well today - she loved the briyani rice, Chicken and Fish.

Since Jo had often missed Holy Communion at Wesley, I decided to call Pastor Alvin to come by to celebrate this with us.

Friends@Jelita

2007-04-18T18:48:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday evening, Jo suggested that we try this new outlet at Jelita called "Friends."
On getting dressed I usually ask her what kind of an outlet is it - casual / formal etc etc. She knows I'm a really laidback dresser loving to hang out in my berms and flip flops... and so she said it was a casual dining place... and lo and behold I reached out for my fav berms and fav Arsenal T-Shirt!

On arriving, it was a different story as you see above. I was quite surprised to see a really nice set up with plush dining tables, wine glasses, napkins and rather nicely dressed customers. Even then we were greeted nicely by the waiter while we were flipping through the menu placed outside the restaurant.

What We Ate
So, to cut the story short this is what we both had:
Jo - Roasted rock garoupa on warm nicoise salad with garlica anchovy butter sauce
Me - Set menu - Friends salad, ukranian borsch soup, roasted beef tenderloin, onion marmalade, pistachio potato puree and beef glazed. Dessert was baked fuji apple topped with vanilla ice cream.

The beef was really good and I'm glad I had it cooked medium. Onion was really unique and tasted great too. A first for me. The garoupa was prepared really well. Overall a very good dining experience. We were the only ones left in the restaurant when we finished and had a short chat with the waiter. The original outlet is located at Serangoon Gardens near the Chomp Chomp hawker centre.

Witnessing of Baptism@CEFC

2007-04-17T20:04:00.000+08:00

Sunday was a busy day for us. After rushing back from Youth Ministry, we headed down to Covenant Evangelical Free Church to witness Jo's friend's baptism (who is also her ex-boss).

The whole ceremony was simple, solemn and touching. Touching because the testimonies were simple yet so powerful in that it all pointed to Christ - our sustainer, rock and redeemer. The testimonies showed the God's power can change and transform lives even when it seems impossible.

For Christians, Baptism is a journey we all must take as Christ had commanded (Matt 28:19). Baptism is an outward expression of an inward Faith. It's simply the individual taking that next step of commitment with God saying "Lord, I'm ready to be all that You want me to be. I avail myself to being obedient and to do Your will" Baptism is symbolic for the Christian because the act identifies us with Christ (and is also conducted publicly for all to see) When the Christian is submerged in the water, it symbolizes death and burial of the old sinful selves. When he/she emerges from the water the symbolism is freedom from sin's power.

At the end of the day, Jo and I were just happy to welcome more brother's and sister's into the family of Christ.

For me, I was even happier that Jo was well to make the trip (all the way to Bukit Panjang) and hang out with her friends for some 2 hours. Amen!

Updates - 14 April 2007

2007-04-14T20:30:00.000+08:00

We had a slight mixed up in terms of Jo's treatment regime. Currently:
a. Oral Chemo (daily)
b. Avastin VEGF treatment (infusion) - once every 3 weeks.
Next treatment, 60 mins on April 25 or 26th.

1. In general, she's been sleeping alot. Averaging 14 hours per day. Its a combination of the medicine making her tired (chemo drugs) and sleepy (morphine) together with her already weakened body.

2. Now she has occasional cough with phlegm deep within. As mentioned, she's had water retention detected in her lungs 2 weeks back. She's taking medication for this too.

3. Her medications:
a. Maxalon before meals - to aid digestion
b. Morphine - for pain management
c. Chemo drugs - 2 varieties
d. Magnesium Carbonate - to relieve gas buildup
e. Flumucil - to relieve water retention
f. Kytril - for nausea (when necessary)
g. Arcoxia - for fever

4. How she feels:
a. Bodily aches everywhere
b. Pain when coughing
c. Mouth dryness
d. Rib pains
e. Bloatedness
f. Indigestion
g. Lack of appetite
h. Tiredness
i. Weak, not able to climb stairs or stay out for too long

Out of the House
It's good that she managed to get out of the house for the 1st time in 7 days to attend our Elim Small Group last night. It was an enriching time that we had as always. We did Bible Study on Psalms 40 and ended off praying for each other and for Joanne specifically.

Your Name (Paul Baloche & Kathryn Scott)

2007-04-12T22:47:00.000+08:00

As morning dawns and evening fades

You inspire songs of praise

That rise from earth to touch Your heart

and glorify Your Name

CHORUS

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower

Your Name is a shelter like no other

Your Name, let the nations sing it louder

'Cause nothing has the power to save

But Your Name

Jesus, in Your Name we pray

Come and fill our hearts today

Lord, give us strength to live for You

and glorify Your Name

CHORUS

Your Name is a strong and mighty tower

Your Name is a shelter like no other

Your Name, let the nations sing it louder

'Cause nothing has the power to save

but Your Name

Of Bloodtaking, Steak and Pumpkin Soup...

2007-04-11T08:28:00.000+08:00

1. Top left pix - the wonderful and very professional "blood takers" - Su Lin and Yati of NCC level 2. (Look at the wonderful smiles all around. Will YOU put on a smile too? Wherever you may be and no matter how you may feel :)

2. Jo had request for steak, and so her long suffering friend Kim popped by to dish up a quick and delicious medium-well done sirloin steak along with her famous slurrpin' pumpkin soup.

3. Yep, we burnt the top of the walnut bread (from Cedele) and set off a mini fire in the toaster .... hahaha and in the process our smoke detector too.

Without faith it is impossible to please God

2007-04-10T19:00:00.000+08:00

The following is taken from "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman, 25 March devotional.

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. (Hebrews 11:6)

We all need faith for desperate days, and the Bible is filled with accounts of such days. Its story is told with them, its songs are inspired by them, it prophecy deals with them, and its revelation has come through them. Desperate days are the stepping-stones on the path of light. They seem to have been God’s opportunity to provide our school of wisdom.

Psalm 107 is filled with stories of God’s lavish love. In every story of deliverance, it was humankind coming to the point of desperation that gave God His opportunity to act. Arriving at “their wits’ end” (Ps 107:27) of depression was the beginning of God’s power.

Remember the promise made to a couple “as good as dead,” that their descendants would be “as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore” (Heb. 11:12). Read once again the story of the Red Sea deliverance, and the story of how “the priests who carried the Ark of the Covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan” (Joshua 3:17). Study once more the prayers of Asa, Jehoshaphat, and Hezekiah when they were severly troubled, not knowing what to do. Go over the story of Nehemiah, Daniel, Hosea and Habbakuk. Stand with awe in the darkness of Gethsemane, and linger by the tomb of Joseph of Arimathea’s garden through those difficult days. Call to account the witnesses of the early church, and ask the apostles to relate the story of their desperate days.

Desperation is better than despair. Remember, our faith did not create our desperate days. Faith’s work is to sustain us through those days and to solve them. Yet the only alternative to desperate faith is despair. Faith holds on and prevails.

There is not a more heroic example of desperate faith than the story of the three Hebrew young men Shedrach, Meshach and Abednego. Their situation was desperate, but they bravely answered,”If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up (Dan 3:17-18.) I especially like the words “But even if He does not”!

Let me briefly mention the Garden of Gethsemane and ask you to ponder its “nevertheless,””If it be possible…nevertheless…” (Matt 26:39). Our Lord’s soul was overwhelmed by deep darkness. To trust meant experiencing anguish to the point of blood, and darkness to the very depths of hell-Nevertheless! Nevertheless!

When obstacles and trials seem
Like prison walls to be,
I do the little I can do
And leave the rest to Thee

And when there seems no chance, no change,
From grief can set me free,
Hope finds its strength in helplessness,
And calmly waits for Thee.

S. Chadwick

Improving Condition

2007-04-09T22:19:00.000+08:00

Since Saturday, Jo's condition has improved considerably.
She's been eating better and feeling better. Body aches, tiredness and bloatedness still present.

She'll be taking her blood test tomorrow afternoon before seeing Dr Leong on Wed morning. We'll know by then when the next treatment will be - either on the same day if not on Thursday.

Updates - 7 April 2007

2007-04-07T19:31:00.000+08:00

Jo's condition has improved a fair bit since Friday. Thank you all for your prayers!

No need for the hospital at this moment.

She's begun to eat a little more - steamed cod fish, steamed egg (Japanese version - Chawanmushi) which her wonderful sister Jessica has been preparing for over the last 2 days. Her mom & dad's fish dishes are incredible, the least to say. And she's also had some soup this evening...she still looks extremely scrawny

She's been really tired too, resting nearly every 2-3 hrs of waking time. It takes lots of energy to fight this dreaded thing and besides, her limited food intake doesn't help at all.

I am thankful for God's Blessings whether big or small. In this case, just seeing her slurp the Chawanmushi and not seeing her vomit and suffer in pain is all I am delighted and grateful to God for. She's walking rather fine, might have also pulled a shoulder muscle due to the Bee episode (go read about it..) a few days back, but in general she's smiled and even got on a call with her good friend.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up on wings as eagles." Isaiah 40:31

Updates - April 6

2007-04-06T02:23:00.000+08:00

The reality about Jo's condition at this point isn't good.

I forgot to mention that she's been vomiting nightly since Monday. She's not been eating well at all. She can't digest solids too well and so we've got her to take Ensure to gain as much bulk for this treatment.

Tonite she vomited again.
She took 2 spoonfuls of porridge (from Crystal Jade) and then set back to rest. Another sip of Ensure and she was already beginning to feel nauseas again.

She's on morphine daily to alleviate any pain.

Her stomach is constantly bloated.

Fever is manageable.

Her bruises are recovering.

The next few days will be critical as we decide whether to ward her in the hospital to ensure
she gets dripped at least.

I ask God only to lead me to do the right thing during this time. I ask for His wisdom, his strength and courage.

Again my dear fellow brothers & sisters out there and even to those whom I don't personally know - I thank you for your prayer support for us.

As LB Cowman says "Prayer is the link that connects us with God. It is the bridge that spans every gulf and carries us safely over every chasm of danger or need." He goes on to mention that we should be careful in limiting God by our unbelief or by thinking we know exactly what He can do. We need to learn to expect the unexpected, beyond all that you ask or think.

Maundy Thursday Chemo

2007-04-05T21:29:00.000+08:00

Well we had to miss our Maundy Thursday service @ 8pm since Jo wasn't in the best of health and importantly she had her first Chemo session @ NCC today slated for 2pm.

I rushed back from a lunch appointment with a client and got off to NCC. She was walking slightly better today after yesterday's Bee episode. The cream must have worked.

At NCC
We arrived at NCC and had to wait nearly 3 hours before her number was called. This place is called the Ambulatory Treatment Unit or ATU (3rd floor) is always jam packed with patients the eve of any holiday. Today was none the different. We could have had ours done yesterday however Jo specifically requested for Julia who had been attending to her chemo treatments off and on since 2004. Julia's an extremely nice lady (as with all of the staff at the ATU) and we share and chat quite a fair bit before and during each treatment if time permits. The nurses here are so overworked and shorthanded (high staff turnover) that more should seriously be done here.

Julia
As in most cases, Julia pricked Joanne quite effortlessly with almost no pain involved. You could see her with her smiles in the top pix. It was really great to see her smile these days since it's been extremely difficult for her.

The Treatment
Today's treatment of Avastin took some 1hr 45mins for 300ml to drip through. A new machine has been installed that indicates the amount of medication left. Near the end of the treatment, Jo complained of chest tightness and we had to call the attending Doc in to review her. They also gave her an ECG to ensure all was ok with her heart. Doc listened to her lungs and all was fine. The nurses gave her oxygen to breathe in to alleviate this. About 15 mins later she was better and we left NCC.

Heavily Burdened
I feel heavily burdened with Prayer each time I step into NCC let alone the ATU floor. There are just so many people with cancer. My heart just goes out to the man in the wheelchair vomiting constantly, the mother with 2 kids tagging along...the list goes on. What hit me most today were 2 young patients. As I was entering the lift, I saw a mother pushing her 5 or 6 year old with nosedrip out of the lift. It was simply heart wrenching. The kid was scrawny for his age and bald...obviously from the chemo treatments. Another scene was that of a 10 yr old in the treatment cublicle opposite Jo. He was bald and had his mom and dad with him. It was painful to hear him scream when the nurses pricked him for the chemo infusion. I prayed there and then for them...that God would show mercy upon both the kids and their family.

All in all we started from 5:15pm and ended about 7pm. Typically as pictured, I would read her passages from "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman. Excellent daily devotional readings for the "weary desert traveller"

Jo and the Bee

2007-04-04T21:20:00.001+08:00

Poor Jo was "harassed" yesterday morning when a bee flew into our home.

While she was trying to flee the creature, her legs buckled and she apparently fell flat on the floor. She bruised her knee cap, ride thigh, right hip and right forehead. She said that she also pulled her groin muscle or hamstring and can only move slowly for now.

She's ok now. Not serious.

Updates - 3 April 2007

2007-04-03T21:41:00.000+08:00

We couldn't wait any longer for the trial @ NUH since the assistant said that it may take some 6-8 weeks before she started the screening process which would see her in hospital for about 3 days. The pain and overall discomfort was getting worse and this couldn't go on.

New Medication

We caught Dr Goh yesterday at noon and discussed the alternative possibilities. My suggestion was to first arrest the growing tumour in Jo's liver (left lobe) before beginning the trial - since there was some lag time. Dr Goh suggested Avastin - a medication similar to that of the clinical trial. Avastin is a VEGF (Vascular endothelial growth factor) inhibitor.

What It Does

In essence all tumours are fed and kept alive by numerous intricate blood vessels that feed it. To cut off the blood supply would mean to retard and hopefully kill off the tumour. This in essence is what it does. VEGF inhibitors are not toxic in nature and therefore do not have the major side effects of normal chemotherapy medications. It does however have the following possible side effects:

clotting,
gastrointestinal perforation,
bleeding,
high blood pressure

Avastin is to be administered via infusion taking abour 30 mins.

Back to the National Cancer Centre (NCC)

So we told Dr Goh that we were very comfortable with the staff at NCC and he said that Dr Leong could also administer this drug, and so he made an appointment for us to be there this morning.

It was was bitter sweet stepping back into NCC. Bitter since we still had to "step back". Sweet because everyone here was so much more nicer, warm and friendly. We first met Rosie on entering the building at level 2. She's been serving at Clinic C - and all this while radiating her warm smile and friendly disposition. "Here comes Joanne and her hubby" she would sometimes call out. Annie the admin staff at the ATU department is another example. Then you have the very efficient blood takers - Prudence and the malay lady (can't recall her name) Not forgetting doctor support staff and the nursing team @ Jasmine & the Morning Glory suite. We only have words of praise to them all.

Met Up with Dr Leong

Dr Leong suggested immediately for a CT Scan and Blood Test to assess Jo's situation. What followed was hours of waiting and waiting, while I was freezing all this time in "sub-zero" temperatures. Jo had to maintain an empty stomach for the CT Scan which by then was already about noon time and she was getting hungry. Later on we got some siew mai to munch on.

After the scans, we saw Dr Leong for the full assessment and it wasn't very good...

New Tumour Sites - Lungs

The CT Scan showed new nodules in Jo's lungs. Somehow, the tumour was spreading aggressively...first the left liver, spine and now the lungs. When Dr mentioned this, we both looked at each other and we understood...what that meant. It was tough, but I strongly sensed God's calming presence. The left liver had several small ones, but the largest were 1.8cm and another at 3.2cm. Dr also mentioned that there was water retention at the base of the lungs which has caused Jo to be breathless at times.

Added Medication

Dr Leong suggested to add 2 chemo drugs along with Avastin - Cyclophosphamide and Methotrexate. The drugs would aid more in killing off the tumour. Thank God that these were small dosages and importantly - tablets and taken orally!

Next Steps

Treatment will begin Thursday afternoons. Jo will take chemo pills the day after. This should be the normal cycle every week for the next few weeks.

About Us
To say we're fine is to lie. But neither are we entirely upset about it. As we've mentioned before, Jo and I have come to a new understanding in God's workings. We don't always understand or have to understand how He works...we just know that at the end of the day - He IS at work...and that's all that matters.

He Suffered For You and I

2007-04-02T17:43:00.000+08:00

As we journey towards Good Friday, I wish all believers to contemplate and remember what our Lord Jesus did on the Cross for us and all mankind. That we will never forget that great act of love, mercy and courage. That we will not forget that great suffering & humiliation He endured:

1. Whipping - After the verdict of crucifixion was pronounced by the court, it was customary to tie the accused to a post at the tribunal. The criminal was stripped of his clothes and severly whipped. The whip known as a flagrum, had a sturdy handle to which were attached long leather thongs of varying lengths. Sharp pieces of bone and lead were woven into them. Jesus was probably given a minimum of 39 as with Jewish law...

2. A Crown of Thorns - After placing a crown of thorns on Christ's head, they began to mock Him and spat on Him and beat Him with a rod. The thorns were needle sharp and you only need to imagine what one would do to your finger...

3. The Crossbar - Christ had to carry his own crossbar from prison to the place of execution. The crossbar weighed somewhat about 50kgs and was strapped to Christ's shoulders.

4. Crucifixion with Nails - Upon reaching the execution site, Christ was nailed and bound by ropes to the cross. He was nailed at his hands and feet.

Let us come before Him in Thanksgiving always.

The Warrior Is A Child (Twila Paris)

2007-03-25T23:49:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

Chorus:
They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His arrow is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
I never face retreat, oh no
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

Chorus:
They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Updates - 20 March 2007

2007-03-20T19:32:00.000+08:00

So we saw Dr Goh yesterday finally.

He examined Jo and explained that the pain / indigestion is being caused by the tumour stretching the muscle of the diaphragm area (pulling it down) and compressing upon the stomach & intestine area. This stretching is causing compression on the stomach thereby not allowing more food to be disgested within.

He prescribed medication to ease the digestion and release of gas built up within her stomach - Enzyplex, Magnesium Carbonate (mixture that tastes yuuck!) and Metoclopramide (Maxalon)

She's also back to taking Morphine as and when she feels any pain or discomfort.

So all in all, we thank God that we've managed through this once again. In fact, she had half a bowl of Mee Rebus for lunch...

Dinner

So Jo had cravings for Xiaolongbao (Small steamed dumplings...this much I can translate lah :) and suggested we try this not so new Shanghai restaurant located in quaint Balmoral Plaza basement 1 level:

Pu Dong Kitchen
271 Bt Timah Rd, #B1-02 Balmoral Plaza
Tel: 6732 8966

We were with her parents to check this out. Nice little location, not many tables. Simple decor. Staff were true blue Shanghainese as they had a strong accent. Thank God for Jo's impeccable Chinese... she makes most of the orders most of the time. Last time round I made an order in Chinese, a dish not on the menu was prepared...

As usual I was so eager to eat, I forgot to snap the dishes first. So my apologies for the err....well "half-eaten" photos you see below. The Xiao longbao was ok, interestingly there was a hole at the top of it, unlike any other xiao longbao I've eaten or seen before. Skin thinner and sauce was quite nice. Still I find the Din Taifung ones are overall better. That goes for their Fried Rice too. Fried Rice here was very nice too. Very fragrant and loved the egg bits too. There was nicely fried French beans with garlic and chilli...this was excellent. Last but not least we had an interesing Guo tie (fried dumpling) was so hot I burned my lips twice.

Jo ate a fair bit and I was really glad about that. Amen.

Rescue (NewSong)

2007-03-19T18:59:00.000+08:00

You are the source of life
And I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you

Chorus
I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with Love

My heart is yours for life
And I need your hand in mine
No one else will do
I put my trust in you

I will follow you
This world has nothing for me.

Indigestion & Chest Pains

2007-03-18T17:59:00.000+08:00

Its been a harrowing past 48 hrs.

Jo's hardly been eating cos' of the pain and gas that comes after every simple meal. Even though she's been chewing and taking in food really slowly, it causes severe indigestion and most recently, chest pains.

We'll see the doc on Monday asap to see what can be done.

She was just well enough to get out for awhile just an hour ago and she wanted so badly to go to the Melbourne food & wine festival at Duxton Hill...so we went. Unfortunately, most of it was closed by the time we got there...how sad. :(

As for now, she'll have to stick to a liquid diet till the effects wear off - taking Ensure (nutritional powder formula for Cancer patients) and soup perhaps.

Please pray for the pain and indigestion to go away. She's been resting alot already and I figure its probably the tumour in the left liver causing all this. The pain from the Spine has since gone and she can cough & sneeze without discomfort, Amen!

Joy Tested

2007-03-14T10:22:00.000+08:00

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:2

I've been reflecting much about this passage the last 2 days recently, yet I'm finding it extremely difficult coming to terms with it.

What was James thinking about when he wrote this? How does one find real Joy (let alone "great joy")when you're in the midst of overwhelming physical pain? When the suffering is in your face?

I think about Job and I cannot even begin to grapple with how Job managed through the incredible suffering he faced.

Yes, the immediate good that does come out of suffering is endurance or perseverance.

I continue to meditate on this and seek His enlightentment.

Faith Tested

2007-03-09T16:08:00.000+08:00

A close friend once told me that bad news seemed to roll off me like water off a duck's back. Apparently, I always appear so calm and even quite cheery despite all these years of struggling with my cancer.

Well, I can only tell you, it's not me, it's God. It's His strength, His peace and His grace that support me and Alex all this while.

I'm quite a simple person. I trust in God's power to heal me, but IN HIS TIME. This means He may heal me in my lifetime, or He may heal me in eternal life, where we will all be made perfect! Also, I believe that God uses doctors and modern medicine as His healing tools. So I always trust my doctors to give the best recommendations for treatments, and so far, I've been truly blessed with very caring and efficient doctors and nurses who show genuine concern for me.

So once I sorted those things out, I just try to get on with normal life. No need to worry about seeking strange alternative treatments, or trying to attend all the miracle healing rallies in Singapore.

But over the past few weeks, my faith has been severely tested. Somehow, the radiation treatment to kill the cancer cells in my lumbar region has triggered off some unexpected side effects. Because the radiation beams were shot through my stomach, they destroyed quite a bit of stomach/intestinal lining. This made me perpetually nauseous, some days worse than others. To me, this is one of the most traumatic things that can ever happen - not being able to eat or enjoy food, aarrrrghh!

I also started to feel more tired. Going out for lunch and simple grocery shopping will wipe out my energy for the day, and I'll have to take a 3-hour nap to recover in time for dinner. I've not checked my emails for a month. Even watching TV tires me out.

What's more, I can literally feel the tumours growing bigger in the left lobe of my liver, because it's stretching the diaphragm and straining the rib cage/muscles. This causes more pain and the weight of the enlarged liver presses down on me when I lie down, so it's almost impossible to find a comfortable position to sleep. The tumours also cause internal inflammation so my fevers are back with a vengeance. I have to pop 2 panadols every 5-6 hours to control it, even waking up during the night, or the temperature will just shoot through the roof...

So I was definitely not a happy baby over the past few weeks. I was harbouring all kinds of dark thoughts in my mind and feeling sorry for myself, asking God many questions, mainly "Why me"?

The last straw came when 2 nights ago, I actually threw up after taking panadol. Somehow, this aggravated the lower back pain and the stressed liver, and caused so much discomfort that I couldn't sleep the whole night. Poor Alex was quite worried and ran off first thing in the morning to get a stronger painkiller from my GP.

Thank God! After taking the medicine yesterday, I had the best sleep ever in a long while! I woke up today feeling so rested that we actually went out for lunch (Alex decided to work from home since yesterday to make sure I'm ok, so sweet, right?). And I could finally find the energy to switch on the PC to check my email and post this blog : )

So again, I can only say this, BY GOD'S GRACE, I have overcome this moment of weakness and depression in my journey of faith. And I constantly give thanks for my long-suffering partner on this journey - my dear hubby Alex.

Before signing off, I just want to share some thoughts from a good friend Mr Foo:

"God wants us to draw strength from Him daily. It’s a reverse spiritual principle that nonetheless is true: We get beaten down so that Christ might rise in us. It’s the whole idea God has of avoiding confusion. See, he doesn’t want people confusing human power and achievement with his power and what he is achieving in and through our lives. If all Christians were super-Christians, people would be impressed with us. As it is, God wants people to be surprised at us, not so much impressed – surprised that we can keep on believing, given what has happened to us. Surprised at us – impressed with God. That’s the way it should go. It’s important to know this so that the things that happen don’t throw us into a tailspin. Paul wrote 2 corin 4:8-10 that troubles, confusions, knock-downs, and drag-outs are all to be expected in a life of faith, and they are not just something to suck it up and endure, they are what will actually release the power of God in our lives. We encounter death-like experiences so that Christ’s life-like nature may clearly be seen in us, despite what is happening."

Thank you to our family and friends for your prayers and support, and big thanks to all the lovely people who just happened to read our blog and left such encouraging and heart-warming notes. May God bless you!

PS: I'm still waiting for the hospital to call me with an appointment date for the pre-clinical-trial tests, so don't know when I'll be starting on the trial yet.

Jo @ Wild Rocket Again

2007-03-07T21:14:00.000+08:00

Jo is truly Blessed by a bunch of friends from all over and I thank God for having brought them to her at the most opportune time. Apart from praying for her, they have cooked for her, brought flowers and most often - asked her out for lunch (when she's felt ok)

Just yesterday she was invited to lunch by L (who first introduced Wild Rocket to her!!) to Wild Rocket once again... Jo managed to eat a little more today. She SMSed me and say she ate 2/3rds of the rack of lamb.

The fever's come back to every 6 hour interval now that she's stopped taking Arcoxia (pain killer & muscle relaxant).

She had cravings for White pepper crab a moment ago, however its been changed to Teochew Porridge along Havelock Road... we're off now.

We serve a Lord that is faithful and true.

Psalms 62

2007-03-04T17:40:00.000+08:00

My favourite verse:

Psalms 62:1-2

1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.

2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Updates - 3 March 2007

2007-03-03T15:07:00.000+08:00

This is the longest break I've taken from blogging and my apologies to all waiting for an update.

Post radiotherapy seemed ok for Jo, however the side effects gradually set in and got worse.

Jo had been losing appetite and feeling nauseous over this past week. Yesterday was especially bad as she was out for lunch with a friend and could only eat a little. In the evening she only had some maggi noodles and that was it for the evening. She weighed in yesterday at 38.6kg.

Strange aches kept surfacing throughout the day and she'd been constipating over the past 3 days. Fatigue sets in easily and she told me "quality of life" wasn't very good... and this was tough.

Prayer Items
So for all our faithful prayer warriors out there, please pray for:
1. Continued faithfulness and trust in our Lord Jesus.
2. Strength to manage through the side effects.
3. Side effects - aches, pains, fever, nauseas to be eradicated
4. Appetite and weight to be restored ... past 40kg

New Treatment Updates
Jo will be beginning the new treatment regime sometime in the next 10 days and will keep you all posted. If you managed to read last Saturday's Strait's Times article on page S10, this report explains in detail the new treatment Jo will be undertaking. The mentioned oncologist - Dr Goh Boon Cher is Jo's NUH Onco too.

God Bless my friends, more news shortly.

Radiotherapy Sessions Over!

2007-02-14T07:24:00.000+08:00

Well 5 Days have gone by just like that! Yahoo! I must say a BIG Thank You to the folks at the NUH Radiotherapy centre, they've made our stay (although very short) there an excellent one. Concerned and caring staff & always smiley. Keep it up!

Side effects: Still feeling nauseas at times. Lack of appetite compared to her eating spree in Jan. Tiredness. Restlessness. Doctor reviewed her after the final treatment and said that the side effects should go away in the next 4-5 days. Radiotherapy kills some of the stomach wall lining and so once off it, regeneration begins and she should be better by then.

We continue to hold fast unto the Lord!

Here are some pics of the treatment.

Jo walking into the "oven"...it's actually called a Linear Accelerator room.

Awaiting to lie down on the table. The machine behind is called the Linear Accelerator.

Staff making the correct callibrations. There are laser guides on both ends and markings on Jo's body to ensure 100% accuracy.

On the ceilings they have light boxes of underwater marine life...really beautiful. Helps to ease the patient.

We await the red light to go off once treatment has begun.

The thickness of the "blast proof" door.

Radiotherapy Session #2 and Radiotherapy 101

2007-02-08T23:22:00.000+08:00

Today's session was like lightning quick. She took about 10 mins only...guess there was no one else and the radiologist was just waiting for her.

Anyway I've got a new name for the Radiotherapy Room - "The Oven". It sure looks like one and I'll post a pic tomorrow. Basically she goes into this room with the radiologist. She lies down on this platform with a rotating arms. The radiologist walks out of the room and shuts what looks like steel blast doors. After a few seconds later a red light on top of this door is lit indicating treatment in progress. The radiologist maintains visual communication via a CCTV from his counter. Inside, X-ray blasts are shot from both arms of the machine.

Anyway we've confirmed this afternoon that the reason for her nauseousness is due to the beams penetrating through her stomach.

So what is Radiotherapy?

External radiotherapy is the most common type of radiotherapy used. It is usually given as a course of several treatments over days or weeks while internal treatment may only happen once or a small number of times.

External radiotherapy is usually given during outpatient visits to a hospital cancer centre. A machine directs the high-energy rays, usually x-rays, at the cancer site and a small area of normal tissue surrounding it. The patient is positioned carefully on a treatment couch and then the machine will be directed exactly at the area to be treated, often from different angles.

Treatment takes several minutes and is painless. Before the patient starts a course of radiotherapy, they will usually need to attend the hospital for treatment planning. External radiotherapy doesn’t make one radioactive and one can safely mix with other people, including children, at anytime.

What are the Side Effects?
There are hardly any side effects. But because radiotherapy affects normal tissues within the treatment field, the side effects will vary depending on which part of the body is being treated and the number of treatments one has. Most side effects are temporary and they are rarely severe. They start at varying times during treatment anddisappear in the weeks after the end of it.

Some side-effects may not start until treatment has finished. Tiredness is quite common, particularly towards the end of treatment and this may last for sometime afterwards.

Very few people feel sick during radiotherapy – it depends on which part of the body is being treated. Some people feel sick at the beginning of a course of treatment but find that nausea often disappears within a day or two. Others start to feel sick later on.

Radiotherapy Session #1

2007-02-07T18:00:00.000+08:00

Jo's 1st treatment went very smoothly. The attending radiologist asst provided all the information we needed as we awaited her turn. All in all it took a mere 15 minutes from the time she stepped into the treatment room (which resembled a bomb blast shelter with it's heavy metallic doors and lead walls) till she came out.

In the evening, she suddenly complained of nauseousness and so I got her to lie down on the sofa. Could it be the computer games she's been playing? She's recently been hooked on these free trial downloadable games. Playing games such as Stand O' Fast (Run a Fastfood joint and flip burgers!), Cake Mania (no need for me to explain eh?), Diner Dash, Family Feud (which we play together) and much more...

So thank you for your unceasing prayers...our Lord is faithful.

Oh by the way, we've moved her sessions to the 5:00pm time slot. Again, this will end next Tuesday.

Radiotherapy Preparation Today

2007-02-05T00:15:00.000+08:00

The Radiotherapy Centre @ NUH was deserted when we arrived @ 2:40pm last Friday. Quite glad to have it that way. The nurses and staff were really helpful, smiley and courteous too. We met with 2 young doctors and had each others questions asked and answered. They conducted a neurological test on Jo to check that her nerves and sensations are normal. Apart from the slight numbness of her left thigh, she was fine. Treatment will start immediately once "planning" is done.

Next Steps

1. Proceed to Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) later today to mark the spots for radiation via CT scan.

2. No. of Sessions: 5 x 30 minutes each

3. Treatment duration: 7 to 13 February @ NUH

4. Side effects - tiredness, redness on the back.

Overall Jo's feeling quite fine. Her painkillers help to relieve the backaches daily. Docs say that it'll take about 4 weeks from the last treatment to see the improvement. She should be free of backaches by then.

Updates - 31 Jan

2007-01-31T22:56:00.000+08:00

As most of you would've received Jo's or my SMS this afternoon, this is mainly a recap of our meeting with Dr Goh. To cut to the chase:

The Verdict
1. CT Scans have confirmed that the dark spots present at the lumbar 1-3 region are cancer cells. Seems as it's "eating" at the bone. But it's not at the spine, so we're happy.

2. Furthermore, the scan also showed that Jo's left liver had a few other "spots" present. The largest being 3cm in diameter. Rings a bell, sure does...as when we first discovered the spots in her right liver lobe.

The Cure
1. Radiotherapy for the back aches. We have an appointment with a Radio-Onco doc this Friday afternoon. Stay tuned for more updates. Shouldn't take too long each session.

2. Brachytherapy for the left liver which will commence after the radiotherapy sessions. This treatment is non-chemo based and not invasive as I'll explain again subsequently. So, we're pleased and happy too.

The Couple
Jo showed strength, true divine strength. I sensed real calm within her, peace to be precise.
I...I was just silent, holding back the tears. A whole bunch of emotions juxtaposed together.

When God allows us to go through this, He will provide a way for us. We've always believed that...and He has.

Dr Goh

Dr Goh as we've always said - is God sent. He is the epitome of what every doctor should be: patient, calm, sensitive and most of all - an objective communicator of the facts.

Besides he shared with us that Jo's right liver has improved quite well since the IRT procedure.

The Blessings
But we've come to a conclusion that it ain't bad after all... I mean, the Blessings are quite evident:

a. We've got a great doctor that God has provided for...
b. Very effective treatments for both cases.
c. Treatments that are non chemo based therefore have very little side effects.

d. Jo's appetite is getting better and her weight gradually rising...
e. Her right liver is improving well.

f. We have a multitude of prayer support from our Church, Small Groups, friends, ex-colleagues, relatives and the list goes on... Thank you...your prayers are so very important to the both of us. Don't ever think that God doesn't listen to your prayers!

Of course we had to have lunch after this but before that, we had to drop by Dona Manis to pick up Jo's favourite banana pie cake. Dona Manis is located at the basement of Katong Shopping Centre...take the escalator down and you'll smell the aroma. Follow your nose!

Satay @ East Coast Lagoon

Jo had cravings for this. So off we went! 20 sticks chicken & 10 sticks lamb + ketupat and all. Simply delicious. Chicken sticks were big I must say. Pictured further below is the Magi Goreng dish - basically using Magi noodles to cook Mee Goreng style...quite nice!

Finished this with a walk by the beach...how befitting! :)