My Journey Through Grief

6 months gone by...
6 agonising months.
A year I'd like to forget.

Nevertheless thank you for your calls, prayers and words of encouragements.

That's just the reality of death and the aftermath of it - grieving. Death and grieving is a part of life, another phase in our very temporal existence on earth.
Joy and celebrations will return, but not right now for me.

I can't change the facts.

Some people handle grief by talking while others want to be alone and quiet.
Some grow cold and callous.
Some weep and stare into blue yonder.
Some establish memorials while others stash away anything and everything that reminds them of their loved one.
Some become very active, some become totally sedated.

Me?
I've been praying and talking with God.
I've been reading my way through grief.
- When Life is Changed Forever (Rick Taylor)
- Travelling Through Grief (Susan & Robert De Vries)
- When Grief Breaks Your Heart (James Moore)
- Lives on the Mend (Florence Littauer)
I've been spending time in solitude often.

The lessons:

1. Life Has Changed Forever.
When you've spend a good part of your life with someone who's meant everything to you.
It can never be the same when that person dies.
In that same respect, a part of me died when Joanne died.

Part of me and that which was 'mine' was gone...never to return in this lifetime.
I would never be the person I was before. How could I?
What was considered as "normal" no longer exists.
What will eventually occur is when a "new normal" is discovered.

Accepting and going along with the changes would not make the pain of loss go away.
Until I begin to understand the nature of these changes in my life, I cannot make the most of the life I have yet to live.

2. Mood Swings.
Sharp swings.
Anger, fear, anxiety, loneliness, guilt, regret, sadness, etc.
Swing often.
Some days I so desperately need the comfort of friends and on others,
I totally detest their presence. Sometimes I feel I'm just losing it.
I don't understand it.

3. Embrace Sorrow.
"You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" Psalms 56:8

When words fail, tears flow.
Tears have a language of their own, a tongue that needs no interpreter.
I let them flow when they are there.
I don't avoid thinking about Jo. I can't, she's always there.
I flipped through the albums. I played back the videos we took.

Take time to remember.

I've learned too that one needs to be willing to talk about their sense of loss and pain.
Verbalising it helps instead of keeping it in.

4. Hypersensitivity.
Any action, scent, sight, place or activity may trigger a memory and a flood of emotions.
This is a daily occurence I've to deal with.
It starts or ends with coming back to an empty home.
It continues with going to bed in an empty one.
I drive off to work and the music plays a familiar tune of ours...that hurts too.
We talk about food and ...
It continues into Church on Sundays or at small group when we sing her fav "songs".
There seems to be no escape.

5. Time Doesn't Heal, God Does.
It's still early days but I know I am gradually moving through the valley of the shadow...
I am beginning to see "some" light at the end of the tunnel.

6. Don't Cheer Me Up Artificially
Understandably, many people don't know what to say in times such as this.
There are no right words.
"She's in a better place now"
"Remember all things work together for good"
"She no longer has to suffer"
These are all well meaning words, but it doesn't change the fact that she is there and I am here! My life has been devastated and I'll need to pick the pieces up and move on.

It's usually better to say something like:
"I don't understand, but I love you"
"I'm here for you" or better still just give a big hug.
Be cautious not to tell your friends why they are facing the things they are facing.
If the Lord has a revelation for them, he can offer it Himself.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" Romans 12:15